I was wandering the library shelves and happened upon this video. From 2008--yet I had never heard of it? I scanned the back and saw the word "adoption" and decided to bring it home.

Dan and I threw it in around 10:30pm last night. We were both exhausted and folding 2 loads of laundry. I said, "let's watch it for 10-15 minutes and see if it's worth finishing".

We watched the entire thing.

This was a swell little flick. Quirky. Lots of almost creepy whispering--but maybe we just had it turned down too soft? Just ankle-deep in adoption themes. Yet, strangely allegorical to a lot of facets of adoption in the reading we've been doing.

Amazing how quick and easy the adoption seemed to go for John Cusack's character (they must not have needed to show all the paperwork and waiting)--unless that was due to his character's sci-fi writer celebrity status?

The only thing I would have changed--I wish at the end he would have added the other side of the spectrum to his plea to talk his little Martian down from the planetarium rooftop.

Instead of saying "they were so stupid"( in reference to the parent(s) who abandoned him) I wish he would have said, "either they were the smartest people in the world for choosing to give you up for a better chance at life, or the stupidest for not realizing how wonderful you are and keeping you all for themselves".

Unexpected

My parents taking all 3 kids overnight. I've never had this luxury before. I've never had parents who lived close enough to help us out in this way. Who want to be with our kids and are excited to get to spend time with them.

I'm jealous of all the others who get "free babysitting" or can just drop their kids off at the grandparents at the drop of a hat, I've felt so very trapped and ball-and-chained to my kids for 5 years now. I have a feeling that as soon as I get home to a quiet house I'll sit there in stunned silence and get not a single thing I've dreamed or fantasized about doing done because I'm so in shock. And then they'll be back...and I'll still be sitting un-showered in my PJ's wishing I could do it all over again.

"I would have to say April 25...

...Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket." (10 pts)

It is gor-juss outside today. So I'm sitting on the front lawn watching my kids and their stuffed toys bike, skate and scoot-board, fiddle with the sprinkler, and shove each other then hug and make up whilst doing some work on the computer. And feeling so super content I could just about burst.

A lot of people came and went while we were on our road trip/vacation to Cape Cod, then a stop in Canada on the way back home. Friends, co-workers, acquaintances. It was a much easier transition being gone and not having to go through saying goodbyes, I must admit.

I'm frankly excited to see what the changes bring. I love mixing it up. If it weren't for our foray away from our hometown, we wouldn't be where we are today. Know the people who are shaping our lives in such a positive way. Be doing amazing things with God because we're meeting Him where He's working. Fill the holes others left open because they were willing to go. Invite fresh eyes and ears to creative processes for Dan at work. Flux bringing newness and variety--spicing up life for us all.

I'm excited to see LAB take on a new personality and format under Diane's passionate and super-organized guidance. I'm looking forward to meeting more people in my community by attending MOPS at a different church. I'm a little nervous to join a WW small group this year and really be held accountable by weekly Bible study and open sharing. I'm ecstatic that Liam's going to kindergarten because I know how much I loved school and see that love of learning in him too. I'm excited for a few months of concentrated "girl time" with Elli and Addi before #4 comes from Ethiopia. I'm trilling and tra-la-la ing at the next level our marriage seems to be climbing to with Dan. I love seeing my parents more often now that they have a second home in MI. I'm looking forward to a nephew being born and praying for a sister's pregnancy to happen. So many wonderful things are happening to us right now that I feel like a braggart, but we must be standing "under the spout where the blessings come out" right now.

What a place to be. I'll miss these lazy days of summer. I'll miss last year's roles and routines. But only a tiny bit--I'm looking forward to what each tomorrow brings and reveling in the todayness of today.

Is this a celebrity sighting?

Seriously--it's like I'm trying to hide out...
and I'm on a private beach!

My new favorite spaghetti sauce

Ingredients & Nutrition

Italian Sausage

Packed full with our fresh Italian Sausage, this sauce explodes with flavor!

This sauce has been carefully hand-crafted, using the finest meat, herbs and spices as a bold complement to your pasta, rice & breads.

You won't believe what it will do for your Lasagna!

Absolutely the best tasting Sausage Sauce!

Granted, the ingredient list starts off with water and tomato paste, so it's really nothing special. But for some reason this is the sauce that my homemade sausage, pepperoni and cheese pizza bread tastes the best dipped in.

Yes, it's normally $4.99 a bottle and no I never buy it at full price. While at D&W on a frantic tahini run, I saw jars of this sauce on the end-cap on sale for $2.99. I also saw a little coupon hanging around the neck of various jars for $1.00 off the purchase of a jar of sauce. So, I grabbed 4 jars (with the coupons on them of course) and staggered up to the express lane with my precariously-perched glass jars and spent $8 on what is usually $20 of spaghetti sauce.

To quote Elton John...

It's sad, its so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

I've just been so sad lately. Beating myself up for failing as a friend, sister, mentor, mom, wife, daughter of God et al. I had a chance. I tried. Well, kinda. When it got hard, I bailed. It's hard to fight Satan, he's so strong and knows my weaknesses oh too well.

When I got rejected, I took it personally. I failed to see to the deeper need of the people I was called to serve and succumbed early on in the fight by letting a mere flesh wound signal my retreat. My strong sense of justice called me to fight to help break a sad, sinful cycle of addiction. Unfortunately, the one I was fighting for didn't want out--it's easier to stay in the cycle than break free. But I was willing to help walk the wire. My help wasn't wanted. For that I am sorry. I have failed you and myself, God's heart and mine hurt for that.

The saddest part, there are children involved. There was a chance for the cycle to be broken while the kids were small enough that they wouldn't be ravaged by the consequences, the poor examples they have as their gauge of what it looks like to be a man of God, woman of God, husband and wife who have left their parents and are cleaving to each other as God ordained, a healthy marriage worth the work, the muck, facing and weathering the storms. Healthy parental relationships rather than co-dependent ones well into adulthood. A reality based on relativistic ego-centrist interests rather than in ...well, reality. Financial nooses being tied rather than blisteringly unraveled by hard work and determination.

I tried writing a letter, but after praying, asking around for some objective advice as to whether or not to actually send it, realized that it won't be read and understood, but just misconstrued once again.

So, most of us with frustrated hurting hearts who have tried to help, tried to follow the guidelines in Matthew 18 of confrontation, who have tried via Bible studies and accountability groups, painful and often one-sided friendships, asking tough questions, giving and giving some more, attempting to mirror Christ to these people feel that although we ought to be forming an intervention to prevent yet another disaster-in-the-making, but that we have no other recourse except to bring our love and worries before God's throne.

To beg Him to bolster them up in the course that they have chosen. To shield their children from the storms ahead and their heritage riddled with the "sins of the fathers". To surround them with people who will be allowed to ask the tough questions and keep pursuing these wounded hearts when the game gets tough, when they start to lose, and when they try to pick up their marbles and leave...again. To break the cycles of addiction, enablement, co-dependency, and selfishness. To open ears and eyes so the misleading babble of the beautiful One can be clearly delineated from the sometimes challenging charges of our Savior. For strength to turn head knowledge into heart knowledge and the courage to really and truly live it out.

May your journey bring you back to the heart of God.

For me, I pray forgiveness. That God will release me from harsh words and thoughts. From failures to say and do what He prompted when He prompted because I was afraid of the repercussions. That I can put the past failures as far away from me as He does. For true forgiveness to continue to happen. That I won't dwell on the past or revel in guilt. That as friends come in and out of my life, they will leave knowing God more and Jenna less. That I won't be hesitant to pursue real relationships with them because I have been hurt by others. That I won't lean on my own understanding, but always lean on God. That I'll continue to face my sins, shortcomings, and acknowledge them and grow from them--confessing them to God rather than stumbling and tripping all over them while cutting and bruising myself in the process.

wind in my sail

• It's hard to sit back and watch people be dumb- especially when you, yourself, work so hard to do things right. People like us really need more appreciation, I think. Way to go, Jenna- you are a great Mom- and it is fun to sit back and watch great things happen to your family! :)
  
  
• I just wanted to encourage you in how much God has just provided during this time for us and Heidi said you were a strong woman of God so I know that you know God is so in control of this and will provide all your families needs.
  
  
• The women's ministry is doing a major mailing next Monday. I was wondering if you would like to include information on LAB? This would be a 1/3 page promotional piece.
  
  
• Thanks so much for having us over and for being excited about our adoption journey, even as you are in the middle of yours! I can't wait to see how everything unfolds for you guys. We will definitely be in touch.
  
  
• You are so on top of things. We are in such good shape. I can't believe how much time you have saved me.
  

One of the best e-mails ever

Hi Jenna (or should I say, "Good Night, Jenna),

I wanted to e-mail and let you know that I received EVERYTHING for your
home study. I received a few things in my mailbox today (before our
training tonight), so I wanted to have a chance to come home and look over
everything before I told you your status. Congratulations! You survived
the home study process.

It has been a pleasure working with you to complete your home study, and I
hope that you keep me updated with your adoption journey.

God bless.

(Κάθαρσις)

shaking head
thoughts buzzing like vertigo
chin tilted seesaw like with one eyebrow cocked
"i asked you to take it away, but like this? really?"
angst creeps up like stomach-acid
so many words bitten back, bidden silent--for right or for wrong?
disgusted but thankful for my grass no matter what shade of green
twisted, so twisted
wanting to want the best, but knee-jerking infection endowed sputum
fanciful insanity of the willed wild
"...the sins of the fathers..."
deep sadness and confusion
the cycle of addiction continues
enabled
so crippled
failure sheep-skinned and shellacked with Jesus isms
a reality skewed, skewered, contorted, distorted
shame
deaf & blind, probably a whole lotta dumb
poor beggar

http://scottsadoptionjourney.blogspot.com/

Lagging

I've hardly been writing here...or on LAB...but I've been doing lots and lots of thinking, reading, praying, writing on paper, talking on the phone, etc. You probably won't see much here for a while...I think we'll be focusing our time and energies other places for the next year or two. So read up--I may let this blog lag for a while and eventually even disappear...POOF!

soccer + mom

Bad. This is bad. And not like when fat is 'phat'. Why don't we also snap a picture of me throwing like a girl, golfing with my hands on the club like it's a hockey stick, doggy paddling in the lap pool and throwing up a granny shot.

Now, really, folks. I did grow up playing all sorts of sports and being pretty good at most of them. Someone must have dropped a quarter in the grass next to the soccer ball...I know better than to look at the ball while kicking, don't I???

Seriously a modern-day miracle

For Immediate Release
Date: May 22, 2008
Contact: William T. Cousins , III
Township Manager
(616) 949-1500

CASCADE TOWNSHIP PURSUES TWO OPEN SPACE PROPERTIES

(Cascade Township, Michigan) Cascade Charter Township took the first step today toward the
eventual purchase of two large, undeveloped parcels; thus preserving the Township’s open space for future generations. In today’s action, the Township signed an option agreement, which gives the Township the right to purchase 80 unoccupied acres of the Tassell estate property (located north of Burton Street and East of Cascade Road), to make it a public, open space for the township. This action is pending formal approval of the option agreement by the Cascade Township Board at its next regular meeting on Wednesday, May 28, at 7:00 p.m. Additionally, the Township has been actively pursuing other large tracts of property, also identified by the Township’s long-standing Open Space Committee. These major purchases, as well as future parcels deemed suitable for purchase by the Township’s Open Space Committee, are contingent upon the successful passage of a proposal seeking a millage increase on the November 4, 2008 ballot. The Township will continue to pursue other sources of financial support (e.g. private gifts, public grants, etc.), to augment the millage.

-more

Cascade Township News Release Page Two

The public acquisition of open space was identified as a high priority by the Township’s Open
Space Committee, and by a survey of Township residents, conducted earlier this year. The
aforementioned property acquisitions are being considered because they contribute to open
space, promote land conservation, and encourage careful stewardship of land and water
resources. The purchase of these parcels also meets many of the criteria of the Natural Features Inventory in a manner that supports the Township’s Master Plan. If exercised, the option for the Tassell estate property will allow for a closing on the property on or before December 31, 2008.
# # #

A small measure of success...for now...

Uniting as neighbors, it seems we have had some success at stopping or at least stalling a horrific proposal to develop-to-death a large plot of land at the top of our street. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know a large number of our extended neighbors through this process and will continue to be actively involved in our township's future planning.

Dear Neighbors:

I just spoke with Steve Peterson and he confirmed that John Halland has withdrawn his proposal to develop the Tassell property. He reported to Mr. Peterson that he could not arrange financing. Mr. Peterson indicated that the escrow account Mr. Halland established with the township will be charged for all the services done for this proposal, and if there is anything remaining, it will be returned to Mr. Halland.

The next meeting of the Board is Wednesday, May 28th at 7:00 PM at the Wisner Center. There is likely to be discussion of this withdrawn plan and I encourage as many people as possible to attend, in order to demonstrate that the end of this proposal is not the end of our involvement.

The next meeting of the Planning Commission is on June 2nd at 7:00 PM at the Wisner Center. I will keep you informed of the agenda as it becomes available. Issue of stormwater runoff, erosion of streams, etc. are still in play in our township and we must stay involved.

So now, with this preposterous proposal withdrawn, we can get to the business of working with the township officials to correct the process that is used to propose developments, update and make specific the ordinances that have been written with too much room for interpretation and subjectivity, require that the Comprehensive Plan have the legal weight of an ordinance and generally improve the way we, the citizens of this township, view and interact with our own community. We have begun. THANK YOU. Dick

Skullduggery

Playing pirate ship at the zoo. Fun times! Elli is saying "ahoy!" while I'm shouting "aaargh! where's me booty?". Liam is hoisting the sail and Addi is the gypsy princess.

Super Man cake

Liam's birthday theme of choice this year was Super Man. He actually wanted Spider Man, but mom Hoffman didn't have a cake pan that would allow me to easily make a cake of the webbed wonder. This cake pan was one my mom used for my brothers when they were little and I was so excited to make a super cake with Liam and my MIL--who had never used an icing bag before! I think she's hooked, and I think I did pretty well to "let go" and let Liam ice the way he wanted to, and I just gulped and let the glaring brown spot of cake showing on Super Man's belt just stay that way rather than swoop in and fix it.

I feel pretty...oh so pretty...

You can look at me like you hate me. I'll look back at you with stubborn resolve at the heart of which is love.
You can narrow your eyes, avert your eyes, refuse to look me in the eye. But when you're ready to look at me, I'll still be looking at you.
You can treat me like I'm not in the room or not even in your life. But I'm not leaving the room, and even if I do, I'm not leaving your life.
You can be silent. Lock yourself away in your room or tap on your keyboard and pretend I don't exist while you while away the minutes, hours, days doing nothing. I'll keep listening to make sure you're there and that you're OK.
You can sob and pull on my heart strings so damn hard I physically hurt standing up tall despite the strain. I'll set the tissue box within your reach, and when you're not looking I'll go sob my heart out too.
You can make me wonder if I really am the bad guy. If I'm evil. If I'm mean for pushing you to do the right thing. For not backing down and letting you get away with being weak or making poor choices. I'm not perfect either, and I know that.

But I will not let you not be a man.

Up next, Jenna chains herself to a tree

(Sent to neighbors4serenity)

I and 4 other neighbors attended tonight's (Monday) Planning Commission meeting. Here are some of my observations:

The case before the commission was a public hearing for an individual requesting a special permit to build an outbuilding on his property--basically a workshop and storage for ATV's, tractor, etc. There were photos, site plans, and Steve Peterson had made a site visit as well to walk the property and view the surrounding properties. The board asked if they had received any letters or phone calls about this case, and there had been none.

Steve's recommendation to the board was that the structure was within the guidelines of the township, and the building and materials used "would fit in with the neighborhood".

Not on the agenda, but Steve asked for the board's impromptu feedback about a bank that is being built on the Meijer lot (Kraft & 28th st) wondering how the township would feel about their adding a 4th drive-thru lane and or a stand-alone ATM onto their site. Some of the board comments about this idea were:

• "I'm most concerned about NOT creating a traffic hazard
• "The sight is already so tight"
• "I don't know how much more we can really fit..."
• "I'm afraid we've been trying to develop [this site] for the developer. I think they need to bring us a plan and we say yes or no"
• "I'm more concerned about the traffic flow"
• "That's enough. It's like putting a size 10 foot into a size 8 shoe"

I got the impression that they don't really want to interrupt traffic, cram things in, create safety hazards, etc. It gave me a warm fuzzy in regards to the concerns we have for the Tassel parcel being jam-pack-crammed with living spaces.

After the meeting, I asked Steve Peterson if we can expect responses to the letters we've written. He said there's really no way for anyone to respond to them as they have not yet received or seen an actual plan from the developer. He said he would be collecting the letters to copy and give to the board before the public hearing so that they would be informed on how the community feels about the project.

He assured me that the Halland proposal he had seen thus far was nothing more than a sketch with not even measurements etc written in on it, hence why they had asked him to get more detailed information before returning to them with a plan. One of the other board members standing nearby to listen to our conversation asked if I was on Windcrest (yes) and said that they are getting the feeling that there are quite a few people very passionate about this project. They said the original drawing had 97 homes on the site, then tried to remember if it was 103...I mentioned that the latest we had seen/heard was 101 homes. I also mentioned that the ponds keep moving--which got a laugh out of both members.

I mentioned that I hoped they got the impression that yes, a lot of us are very passionate, but it's because we care. I asked what we could be doing to best come alongside the board and work together on the potential development of this site, and Steve said that we don't need to come to all the meetings (we are certainly welcome, though)--he (meaning Halland) won't sneak in and get something approved at the last minute as there are deadlines to get on the agenda etc. He said that if we are organized for the public hearing--as in have a spokesperson from each neighborhood concerned, that will be best. Also in the area of letters, brevity is best (that's HIS recommendation...not mine;-).

I asked if there's anything else we can do, and he said "get on the board...there are spaced open...turn in your name." So...anyone want to volunteer?

All in all, I got a really good feeling that we probably have more on our side than we are anticipating--not to disband and let what will be just be, but at least they are getting a sense that we are "out there", that we are passionate, involved, concerned, and to keep doing what we are doing.

Also--there is a Planning Comission Board Open House at the library Tuesday night 5:30-7pm. Same time as the watershed meeting--which Steve affirmed that storm management water and run-off is a huge issue in the Tassel/Halland proposal. So let's really work that storm water management angle as much as possible! And get people out to talk to the board members, they aren't unapproachable at all--they want to hear from us and serve us the best they know how.

Hope this is a pat on the back to a lot of you as well as a shot in the arm to keep it up.