Support group confessions

I attend a Postpartum Depression Support Group. We don't go around and say "hi, I'm Jenna and I'm depressed"--we don't have to. Just by being there we pretty much say that every time we gather at the Spectrum Health Community Center. Usually we meet every other Tuesday night, but there have been so many girls (myself included) who feel that two or three weeks between sessions is too long. We petitioned our nurses to see if it would be possible to meet on the "off" Tuesdays as well, and they went through all the red tape (God bless them) to make it happen on the off-Tuesday mornings at 9:30.

Tomorrow I'm planning to talk about two steps forward, one step back for me. What made me realize I had taken a "step back" was a book I read about two weeks ago called "Blue Genes", by Paul Meier. I was feeling like I was doing so well, recovering great, had a good grip on reality, a handle on coping mechanisms, boundaries to keep me "safe" and healthy. So, I weaned myself off my meds. I went through almost an entire month of vertigo and headaches as I weaned, excited to be back to "me" again. But, my symptoms returned, and I think worse than before. Frustration that led to anger at the drop of a hat, yelling, not being able to tolerate loud noises, feeling overwhelmed, imagining really sad scenarios in my head to see if I "felt" anything emotional, not wanting to take care of the kids, but just clean and do jobs around the house that would take me away from them, just wanting to be by myself, paranoia and reading the worst into things people were saying/writing to me (or not saying/writing to me) etc.

OH, my poor family having to put up with the ugly creature that is NOT me. Needless to say, while reading this book, I realized that I was not ready to be off my meds. If you have a headache, there's nothing wrong with taking aspirin. If you're diabetic, there's no shame in taking insulin to restore balance in your body. The same goes for the medical conditionthat mental illness really is--a chemical imbalance in your brain.

I also realized that I've been preaching that "counseling isn't a bad or shameful thing only for when you're desperate or at your worst, but something good and healthy for you to do." Time to practice what I preach. I'm headed for some "talk therapy"--the first in my life--on Wednesday. Yikes. Although I know I love to talk about myself, I'm not sure how this is all gonna go down, but I'm willing to go there and get it all figured out.

It is time for me to be even more proactive about getting healthy--I deserve it, my family deserves it, my friends deserve it.