Driving two-thirds of my kids to preschool today, I was internally telling myself. "it's OK. You can do this.".
I was imagining telling the kids' teachers--"I'm having a bit of a psychotic break today."
My mind was racing with thoughts in all directions all at the same time. All I could think was "manic. this is mania. i'm having a manic episode. I can't slow down, yet I can't go fast enough. I have so many things to do, I have to get so many things done. I need to go, go, go, do, do, do. I can't slow down--there's no time to breathe."
I thought--I can't wait to write a post--get this all out. See if I can sort things out. Sit in one spot to write an entire post.
At group, we talk about doing one thing each day. Not a million grandiose things. One thing. Like getting the baby dressed. Like brushing our teeth. Like reading one page of a book or magazine. I need to focus on one thing, but I can't seem to zone in on just one thing when there are so many all vying for my attention.
I remember Dian explaining that family or friends would sit across the table from her and help her take just one bite of food. I wish I had someone directing me. Sitting me down. Helping me sort my muddled mind. Slowing me down. Helping me breathe, drink water, eat a meal from start to finish, a real meal--not just the crusts and leftovers off of my kids' plates.
I have one hour. Now that I sat down and wrote, I'm feeling a little bit more centered. There's laundry in the dryer. I need to make a grocery list, clean up the basement, unpack from the weekend, make up our bed, clean up toys, rake leaves, edit this post, tag and link it, bank deposit, grocery shop, figure out dinner, fix the tarp on the grill that keeps banging the side of the house every time the wind blows, and solve all the problems of the entire world--all within this one hour before I go pick the kids up from preschool.
I know I'm causing my own stress, but I haven't figured out how to take the monkey off my own back--I only know how to keep putting it there.
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2 comments:
wow...for a minute I thought you were describing me. Not being able to sit long enough to complete a three word thought. I'm not even going to tell/suggest/offer words of deepening insight that makes the world tilt off it's axis to you b/c I'm sitting right next to you in the boat. Hi! Know that I'll be praying for you, am sailing along with you and to stop by any day. Seriously.
Thanks Jean. It helps to know you KNOW, and that you're right there with me.
I drove by today on my way from the bank to preschool--I waved and saw someone looking out the front window down to the steps--or whatever was under the tarp!
One of these I'll drop by--guess I need to do it before you move away!
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