Dan and I have been talking about a lot of things lately. But one topic regularly pops up that really intrigues me. This phenomenon of virtual friendships. Wheedling your way into relationships based on commonality by what you own, what you do, what you enjoy, etc. Instantly, you are linked for life to everyone else who knows and also owns or likes the same kind of car you drive, which type of computer you own, which gaming system you use, what cities you travel to, music you listen to, have the same number of kids, attend(ed) the same school or church, work at the same place, or were at an event you attend probably just to take pictures so you can post them online. Oh, the infinite vastness of the blogospheres. At the drop of a few bucks, purchase of a certain item, or a registration of any type--BAM, instant community!
Do we not remember how to start, cultivate and grow friendships IRL any more? Has our human-ness atrophied this much?
Often this type of community seems so cheap and inauthentic to me. My personal persuasion is that I only become online friends with people I already know IRL. I'm not really in the market for shiny new, surfacey, dollar-store friendships based on me driving a Honda Odyssey van, currently reading Diane Mott Davidson, listening to Christmas music on iTunes, or because I enjoy cooking, travel, and discovering new places.
And I'm even more __________(verb) with people who keep seeking out these disposable friendships and forsaking the real life people right in front of them.
What? You don't have U2 listed as your favorite band anymore? Ba-bye. You decided Apple is not the almighty? Blasphemer--I can no longer IM with you. You didn't like the comment I wrote on your blog and I'll never hear from you again? Um...OK? You misread what I was trying to tell you in an e-mail and you deleted me off your Facebook friendlist?
Or--on the flip side. I don't have any friends, I think I'll go buy some. Hm--if I decide to go to space camp to become an astronaut I'll instantly have tons and tons of friends who are also going to be flying to the moon. Yeah, I like that idea. I'll do that. I don't have as many friends on Facebook as __________(insert name), I'd better fill out more personal information so more people will find me and I can beef up to become a super-friend. People haven't been commenting on my blog, I'd better read and comment on theirs to drum up some traffic. Or maybe I'll re-design, or move to a new "location" and start over.
I think I'm just really disgusted with people these days who are living virtual lives instead of real ones. I mean, heaven forbid the power go out or the internet go down for a few hours or days--some people just about lose their lunch when they're so "unconnected" to the "outside world".
I'll be the first one to raise my hand and admit I've gone through times of addiction to virtual community. It's so empty. I've never been one to look at or be addicted to porn, but I have a feeling it's on the same plane and a lot more justifiable and a lot less taboo than porn. Shame on me. Shame on all of us who fall prey to the cheap electronic relationships we seek and pursue online deceiving ourselves that they will be just as fulfilling IRL as well.
When we step away from our computer screens, we're awfully exposed, aren't we? Are you practicing your human-ness so that if the network ever implodes you'll still be able to converse with people, and want to? Can you still hand-write letters? Communicate with and comprehend people's non-verbals? Weather the rough times with people rather than just signing off and changing your screen name, getting a new e-mail address or blog, and clicking on "Register me now" for a new life?
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5 comments:
biting, but very well said.
Didn't mean to nip at anyone other than myself. And unedited--hence the biting--often I go back and soften my thoughts, but I didn't have the luxury of time on this one.
okay - since i would say this to you IRL, then I'll say it on line: seems like you are pitting this in two extremes.
i agree that some of us are trading real-life friends for virtual friends, and this is a cryin' shame.
BUT...in my defense (and because I was so anti-getting to know anyone I didn't know in real life)...I have made some good online connections at a time when i needed THOSE SPECIFIC PEOPLE who are going through the same thing I am to sit with me, cheer me on, and cheer me up. I'm not replacing my real-life friends, I'm expanding my support group to find people all over the nation walking the same road that i am walking who are able to say, "I know what you're going through. It's okay." And these friends have helped me find a voice to speak to my real-life friends about the emotions i can so easily pour out to virtual strangers. And this, my friend, is the beauty amidst the muck of the online world.
Heath--I agree to a point. You can also find IRL support people. It's not as easy to do--from the comfort of your own home, in anonymity if you so choose, and only to the level of vulnerability you choose. I again challenge you to find IRL specific peeps going through the same thing you are. I've done the virtual and the real PPD community thing and there is something exponentially and profoundly even more powerful to the IRL's than the liminals. A good balance of both say I--so go ahead and Google infertility Grand Rapids and see who you can find!
PS--this wasn't written to get you to do this Heather, and I really enjoyed the blog you sent me about liminal friends--I was totally jived to learn a new word! And she's an amazing writer too. Wow.
I think I was railing against "people" who seem to live in the ether-world rather than jumping into reality. Instead of "picking up your marbles" when the game's not going your way, it's turned into "signing off from AOL IM" when someone is confronting you on an issue you don't want to have to deal with. Instead of living real life relationships, which all experience rocky and feeling-hurting times, I (apparently) have issues with people in my life who aren't in my life anymore because either/both they and I don't know how to live out real relationships. We treat each other and our friendships as if they are disposable. One little mucky spot and hello garbage can.
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