Dan's parents are here for a visit. They come bearing bags of gifts. We eat out 2 meals a day. We shop for fun. It's the same dance every time.
My ethical dilemmas and justifications (which I don't agree with, but pacify myself with):
dilemma: We would not spend this much of our own money to eat out nor eat out this often.
justification: Rather than spending time prepping and cleaning up, we are spending every precious moment together fully engaged in each other. (I don't even buy this one--some of my best conversations with my mother-in-law, whom I now call "mom", have happened in the kitchen--so this is sheer indulgence).
dilemma: We are expected to pick out things for them to buy us. Again, money we would not spend on ourselves, and the ugly "I want, I want, I want" monster rears its ugly head. Are we taking advantage? Do we and our kids only see them as wallets and expect them to gratify our "wants"?
justification: This is God's way of providing things like clothing for us and our kids, and gives them joy to be able to give us things that make us happy. In addition to frivolous things (in which there is indeed merit--my kids will think well of Grandma and Poppie each time they wear their new fireman and lotus flower raincoats, I try to pick out pragmatic items as well (pajamas, underwear, socks, jeans). I do get nearly sick thinking "will we ever be able to do this for our kids?". A real kick in the pants for us to work on being fiscally responsible in the now as well as being disciplined to plan, save, invest, and prepare for the future.
dilemma: We dress ourselves and our kids so properly when they are here--in essence putting on a bit of a facade.
justification: They love us no matter what we look like, but we feel like we have to wear or dress our kids in what they have bought for us (either now or in the past) so they can revel in their own generosity. They have such a high standard for their own appearance, that we feel like we have to reach the same level. How many week days are we ironing blouses to wear under a sweater that matches the socks and dress shoes, and this is one of the 4 times a year I break out the curling iron. I think the justification for this category is that it honors them. Am I "to my own self be[ing] true?" Maybe not, but it's about honoring your parents in a way that speaks to them, I guess!?!
OK, it's my window to hop in the shower....gotta scott...oops...I mean scoot...
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3 comments:
This is an interesting conundrum and I can feel the difficulty of the struggle. I have a hard time in situations like that, too.
Is your relationship with them of the sort that you can get some of this out on the table and speak about it openly together?
Jenna, I have the same thoughts. That's why I put Elli in the OU outfit - it wasn't stylish. it was comfortable. I'll wear a hat today and not shave. *smile*
Brooke, wouldn't it be great if we could speak openly? man - they're just on the New York metropolitan train to discontentment.... They don't even realize it with their busy lives and such. This one of the major reasons Jenna and I moved away - we didn't want the rat race of trying to keep up with that lifestyle. Maybe someday - but right now they don't want to change (or like I said - know they have to). Thanks, btw for your friendship with Jenna - you rock.
Thanks guys! I just feel a bit unctuous sometimes because I'm willing to put on the jester hat and do a little jig because I like getting new stuff, but deep down I worry about what we are modeling to our kids. But part of parenting is being graceful to let the grandparents be who they are to their grandkids--even if it's now how I would do it. I think I'll go take off my big ring and put on my comfy one and not worry about lipstick or gloss, and be ok with wearing brown shoes with a black striped shirt.
Brooke--I honestly feel that putting it on the table bluntly would harm more than do good. Their feelings would be very hurt. This is how they show love. To chastise their method would be hurtful. So we just try to subtly direct their energies in the right direction...as in useful and enjoyable things like books, learning toys, clothes, etc. And being OK with checking our attitudes and opinions at our own door and enjoying what affirms them as our parents/grandparents and not thinking too damn hard about it all. But thinking just hard enough to make sure that we check our hearts to make sure we aren't taking advantage, either.
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