Christian sex book review

Yes, this is the same post that is on the LABlog right now. But I worked really hard on it! It looks better on the LABlog, so please check it out over there. There are pictures!

So I took a day at the library to do all kinds of LAB stuff, and worked really hard on writing this book review. After I was done, I started inserting the pictures and somehow got an extra box in there, and while trying to delete it out of the HTML code I somehow accidentally deleted half of the written content! D'arvit! (Anyone else read the Artemis Fowl series?) So, I re-wrote what I had deleted, but it wasn't quite as good as it was the first time around, but it's still OK. Take a look.

Warning: This book (and review) contains adult sexual content.Is There Really Sex After Kids?

When this book started out with,

Hi, I'm Jill Savage. My husband, Mark, and I have been married nineteen years, nine of them happily.

I smelled honesty. I knew I would enjoy reading the truths that were sure to emanate from the ensuing pages.

I almost skipped the first chapter, "God Created Sex!" (I thought--oh this is gonna be boring), but I'm glad I didn't. It was a good reminder that sex begins with "Into Me See" (intimacy)--the non-sexual side of your relationship rooted in conversation, trust, and vulnerability. And how juicy the book of Song of Solomon is--and that's in the Bible!

Jill honestly lists the most prevalent intimacy inhibitors (aka "excuses") and gives suggestions on how to unpack them. Here's a quick list--see if any of them apply to you:

* Media--movies, novels, magazines, and TV setting up unrealistic (s)expectations and scenarios that you and your partner will never meet
* Slang terminology--words and phrases that dirty up, cheapen and demean the sexual relationship. (That doesn't mean you and your spouse can't have secret pet names or secret vocabulary that you use in private conversation--whew, right love muffin?)
* Parental instruction about sex (sorry mom and dad)--things like:
o "We don't talk about that in this house"
o " You don't have sex before you get married"
o "Sex is something you endure, dear"
o "Sex is okay before marriage as long as you are responsible"
* Baggage that comes of previous relationships--such as anger, jealousy, fear, shame, guilt, mistrust, or previous sexual encounters
* Religion--no one ever discussing the "elephant in the room" or giving an unbalanced view of how a sexual relationship is designed to work
* Poor conflict resolution skills such as sulking at lack of attention, "ice queen", slamming doors, cutting remarks, "every thing is fine" when it really isn't, passive-aggressive behaviors, withholding sex or affection, never admitting a wrong, refusing to say "I'm sorry; will you please forgive me?"

Jill also stalwartly introduces the major challenges that abortion, sexual abuse, affairs, pornography and sexual addiction, and men who refuse to seek help proffer.

In the chapter called "And then I had kids", Jill gives it to us straight. Being the nurturer or being touched all day, fatigued, sleep-deprived, nursing, experiencing sexual side-effects (aka "numb from the waist down") of medication, in a birth control dilemma, distracted by your children, physically or mentally feeling unattractive (aka un-showered or still harboring baby weight), or having a hard time switching from "mom" to "wife", are all legitimate excuses and inhibitors to intimacy. But an unacceptable way of life. Jill encourages us that:

While you and I might want to push "pause" on the marriage button during the childbearing and childrearing years, we cannot succumb to the temptation. Building intimacy in our marriage must be a priority during these years. How do we do that? Turn to the next chapter and let's find out.

I love the next chapters. First Jill suggests we all go out and buy a copy of “Sex Begins in the Kitchen: Because Love is an All-Day Affair" for our guys! Kitchen time is an intentional plan to set aside time each day--despite the demands of children--to talk, communicate, reconnect, and plan out the rest of the day/evening. She's also a firm believer in weekly or bi-weekly dates. I have friends who do this religiously and I give them kudos for making each other a priority--it takes work and money to make these dates happen--but the marriage payoff is priceless.

In the juiciest chapter of the book, "Let me Please You: Understanding the Concept of Pleasuring", came my greatest revelation. Let me quote:

Did you know that God gave you, as a woman, a part of your body that has no other purpose than sexual pleasure? While doing research for this book, I ran across this statement by Dr. Rosenau, "the clitoris is given to the female solely for sexual pleasure." I reread this over and over---struck by its significance. Did you realize how important this is to understanding God's design for sex, feeling comfortable with our sexuality, and moving past inhibitions? We need to know that God created a part of our bodies exclusively for sexual pleasure. That little sentence says a lot! Clifford and Joyce Penner put it this way: "The fact that the clitoris in the woman is unique in its function of receiving sexual stimuli...is confirmation that God intended women to be intensely sexual beings, not just 'vaginas' as recipients of the man's sexual expression."

Now that is not something you've ever heard in church before! I also appreciate the honesty and thorough explanations Jill gives about "touchy subjects" like orgasms, the mess of sex, sex during menstruation, oral sex, quickies, masturbation, anal sex, and what's "not okay" in bed.

I definitely recommend that you read this book if you, like me, have struggled to feel sexy, sexual, desirable, or just plain have the energy it takes to be mentally and physically intimate with all the demands and challenges children bring into our homes. An easy and honest read, Jill gives great practical advice on things both you and your partner can do to deepen intimacy (aka great chats over steamy mugs of hot cocoa resulting in a sparkle in your partner's eye and and a racing heartbeat of your own!)