in prep 4 V-day, an E-mail from C-ville

From: Jennifer Anne Hoffman
To: Scott, Daniel Christian
Date: Tue, Jun 2, 1998 1:08am
Subject: Overwhelmed

Dan,

I have been overwhelmed with emotions lately, mostly when it comes to you. I can't get enough of you, and this summer is looking bleak without you near me. I love your eyes. I didn't really get to tell you because we haven't had much private time together and we were talking about other things, and I'm afraid I might not really get to spend QT with you before you leave, and I just want to get this out, and I know you don't want me to write, just want me to talk, but, well, you need to study and it's late, and here goes......After J/S weekend and our little chat about a stale relationship, I was very disgruntled. I was really not sure what I wanted, if I wanted this relationship bad enough, if you were worth all this stuff, etc (but I also realize that I wasn't very rationals as--and I hate to use this as an excuse, but--I was PMS-ing very badly, and stress only amplifies it) I felt like I was standing at a a cross-road, if you will, and the choices were leave Dan in the dust and continue on life's little merry way, or stick it out and work my butt off for this guy. I broke the night my dad called and I had to admit I did something really wrong, and realized I was a loser, and I was crying--weeping worse than I ever had, and it wasn't all because of that, I was realizing that I couldn't give you up, and I had to admit that I needed someone, you. When I talked to you about the rent $ thing with my dad, I was at rock bottom, and you were so there for me, it made me love you more and realize how great you are to me. Since we talked about being vulnerable and communicating, and you told me that if you were going to love me, you had to love the crap too, you opened a door in my heart that is letting me let myself love and trust you. You'll never know how much that statement means to me. I'm so glad you're willing to take all of me together, the good and the bad. I've never ever been so happy before in my life, I don't know how to verbalize it. I've loved every minute we've spent together since we got terms defined and things out in the open so to speak. Dan, I just can't believe how much a part of my life you already are and how much more a part of it I am longing that you be. I love the special relationship you have with your parents, it thrills me to no end. I love seeing you smile, I want to make you smile, you make me smile. I've been telling Cindy that you've made me laugh but never made me cry, and our relationship couldn't move to another level until that happened, but you have made me cry lots, you just don't know it. Those few days that I was struggling (you probably had no idea, or you did and didn't let on) with what I was going to decide about us, I cried so much, I was so frustrated, because I wasn't sure i could love the things about you that frustrate me. Now I know that I'll love your crap, no problem, and I'll work as hard as it takes for me to do the things that make you happy, because you make me so happy. I wrote in my journal for sooooo long last night, that's why I was up until 2am and I was talking to Cindy, and I was crying uncontrollably because I am going to miss you more than I would admit to myself that I would. I know in my head that things will be fine, time will fly, but my heart just isn't listening to reason right now. I am thankful for every minute we've had this weekend today, tonight, and look forward to tomorrow. My favorite things about this weekend were at Eden park when you told me to get back up on the wall so we could wrap our arms around each other--all I could think was that this was where I wanted to stay forever--raccoons, mosquitos, police cars and everything, and when you kissed me by the lake--how impulsive and romantic, I love your soft lips on mine, I love not knowing what you're going to come up with next, or the way you make me feel, listening to you sing in the car--I always pretend you're singing to me and it thrills my heart, swinging and sharing with you at the park felt so right, then your crushing hug and holding hands all the way home--you'll never know how much that means to me. Dan, I won't pretend I'm not scared that the distance will be too much for us, I'm so afraid that you're gonna break my heart. I'm scared that I could have made the wrong decision about the summer, but I won't know until the summer's over--and believe me I wish it were already and I could be assured that things turn out OK. Guess I'm worrying about something I can't really help, I just can't stand the thought of not seeing and touching the person who means the most me in the world on a regular basis. If it means confirming that we get to spend forever together, I'll grit my teeth and get through 3 agonizing months ...you're worth it. I'm about exhausted from the gamut of emotions that I've been experiencing for the past 2 weeks or so. I guess that's what spawned this of off the wall e-mail. I'm just so afraid I won't get to (or won't) say all the stuff that's inside of me when we say "goodbye"--for the summer. Maybe I shouldn't be listening to Delilah, or I just shouldn't love you so much, but that is not to be helped. I guess I should go to bed, and you should too (unless you read this in the morning in which case you're already up.........)
I admire and love you,
Jenna :-)