I've taken a bit of a roundabout on my spiritual journey and found myself perpetually at an amusement park. Feeling like I'm filling myself up with cotton candy and greasy fries and fizzy soda, which is really nothing but sugar, dirty grease, and air leaving me feeling really empty, really low, really malnourished, thirsty for so much more.
Meeting all kinds of people--some new and some I've known for a while. Some to strike up a conversation with and relish the banter as we wait in line together. Some to develop a continuing friendship with and ride the rides, eat, rest, recreate, be together. And still others to avoid at all costs. Or endure. Sometimes going with a crowd I know I don't belong with, don't want to be with, yet going about with them for a time nonetheless. And always disappointed when I get alone and realize that I'm disappointed after being with them...again.
I'm kinda tired of the roller coaster I've been riding on for about...oh...how do I even keep track of time?
Every now and then I finally feel courageous, excited, anticipatory, confident, a tinge of joy, ready to ride. Suck the marrow out of life. Change the world. Then it just takes one small interchange, or lack of interchange, one strange look, perplexing letter or e-mail, awkward silence, unreturned phone call, audio or visual lack of support, befuddling choice by a person or entity that seems to go against all reason, logic, God plan and I find myself shaking, locked in the same bathroom stall...again...sobbing my eyes out silently so no one else hears me and wondering why I am stuck in this banal place.
Did I choose to be here? Did I do this to myself? Was I assigned this place? How long must I stay? Where would I go? Am I supposed to rise to the challenge and conquer it? Am I being tested? Am I being told to move? Or do I just keep doing the circuit of rides and carnivalistic relationships that is this not-so-fun fun park?
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11 comments:
Cryptic indeed... interesting comparison to the fun park. It's never as fun as you expect it to be. Life often doesn't live up to the expectations we have for it. People rarely do. Just don't go hole away in a vat of cotton candy, k?
indulgent, yes. and leaves me questioning. i know i've been traveling a lot, but, wow, i feel out of touch with this part of you, jenna. miss you, friend - even the cryptic parts of you.
Thanks Heather. These are the parts that scare most people off. Thanks for taking all of me.
The author of this sickeningly indulgent piece was PPD Jenna. She's not gone. I'm not free. Damn it.
Very well written, and either not-so cryptic or we're hanging out at the same amusement park. We must be at the same park, because I understood you quite well!
Jenna,
Don't disown these parts of yourself. Maybe it's not just PPD Jenna -- maybe it's just your shadow side. And shadow sides -- once we acknowledge them and give them a voice -- often become surprisingly unscarey and perhaps even friendly.
And this stuff doesn't scare me off at all. I love shadow sides. ;)
Thanks for giving this "voice" a name. This was one of those bleed out the "bad blood" type of writings. Once I get these types of thoughts out, I feel so much more resolved and settled. Acknowledging them, and sharing them with others, being vulnerable and honest with myself and others.
How can I find out more about our shadow sides? I'm intrigued!
shadow sides are originally a Jungian concept. But the concept is embraced in various other self-help theories. I'm coming up blank at the moment about where you might be able to read more about this... but you could google it.
shadow sides are also talked about briefly in "The Highly Sensitive Person," which we talked about, too - a definite must-read.
Lovely, so I need to find MORE self-help and am highly sensitive. Can I be any more needy and high maintenance? Or is this just another layer of self-awareness I'm peeling open?
What can I do but shrug my shoulders and laugh, I think I'm cracking up over here!?! Drool...twitch, twitch... burbleburbleburble...drool...twitch
This is a fantastic piece of writing. Most everyone I know (including me) is feeling the same way.
Hey frabjouspoet--thanks for the accolades--especially since YOU are the creative genius! I just opened up a vein and this is what spilt out. It was good catharsis-therapy-lashing out-letting-it-go writing for me.
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