So our internet has been out. Taking 3 kids to the library and even imagining trying to get on the computer is a joke--those kids would have all the books off the shelves, the water fountain stuck on and overflowing onto the carpet, all the CD's out of the cases and scratched before I could even type in my library card number to log on!
I tried to go to D&W, and their network was down. What the heck? I did enjoy listening to country on Dan's itunes while watching the "renewing ip address........limited or no connectivity" about 40 times before I realized--"hey, idiot--it's never gunna connect"!
So, I'm at Beaner's on a Friday night. I guzzled down a short, decaf, Mocha Mocha with coconut bought on Dan's gift card (thanks so much sweetie). It was mediocre at best compared to S'bux, but I enjoyed it because I was all by myself. Dan's probably at home gritting his teeth with the kids or else he's got 'em all in bed and is reading on the couch.
I just miss being a grown up. I feel like I was created for more than just momming, and guilty for having that feeling as it's such a privilege to be home with our kids--except that it frustrates me horrendously.
I'm searching for my meaning. My chapter. My place. My verb. Trying to get my bearings. Some days I have so much vim and vigor to tackle the task, and other days I just wanna melt into the (dirty, needs-to-be-vacuumed probably need a new one but can't afford it) carpet and evaporate.
It's these few moments spent by myself doing something I enjoy, something I'm good at, something grown up, something from start to finish that give me a little more gas in my tank (that and rice and beans for dinner...whew!) to hang in there. Man, being a mom is the hardest job EVER--I should be incredibly hire able after this experience, right?
I just teared up last night as Dan asked whether I had thought about going back to school or what I'd like to do...I just feel pretty empty, and like my only job in life for now (and probably for a looooong time) is to be the best dang mom to these kids and an incredibly strong support for Dan in his life and ministry. I'm not too comfortable in the duds yet, but I think I can find some sort of contentment here without completely losing my creativity and letting my ministry muscles atrophy too much.
Time's up....Beaners is closing.........
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
1. Your resume will be the most extensive resume and really will reflect being able to do any job humanly possible. Because mom's do everything possible. And then some.
2. I 100% understand about feeling like you were created for more than just momming. Been there, am there and I'm sure will be there again.
3. You are a great mom.
Jenna, I've had this conversation with so many women over the past few years - from new SAHMs, to SAHMs at the end of their journey with kids all leaving the nest. Please know you are not alone. I've battled through this myself, and while I definitely don't have the answer, I've found a few things that have helped. This is a conversation I'd love to have with you over a cup of coffee! If only. We should chat over email or IM sometime. Praying for you sister! Love ya.
Thanks for the pat on the back, Jean.
Amelia, I'd love to take you up on that sometime. Can we schedule a time when all our kids are napping, we aren't tired, and we have no housework to do? We'll have to connect when it's the right time--
Thanks for the support you guys, really. It does help to know I'm not alone.
Post a Comment