Just another manic Monday

[I wrote this a few days ago. I'm so glad I captured this moment because where I was on Tuesday as opposed to where I am now, I'm so thankful that things have gone onward and upward from Tuesday's little episode captured below]

Driving two-thirds of my kids to preschool today, I was internally telling myself over and over again, it’s OK. You can do this.

I was envisioning myself telling the kids’ teachers–I’m having a bit of a psychotic break today. I wasn’t sure it was safe for me to be driving. I was aware. I was overly aware. I was dangerously stuck in hyper-awareness gear and it wasn’t a good thing.

My mind was racing with thoughts in all directions all at the same time. All I could think was manic. panic. manic. this is mania. i’m having a manic episode. I can’t slow down, yet I can’t go fast enough. I have so many things to do, I have to get so many things done. I need to go, go, go, do, do, do. I can’t slow down–there’s no time to breathe.

I thought–I can’t wait to write a post–get this all out. See if I can sort things out. Sit in one spot to write an entire post. I need to write. I need to sit. It’ll slow me down.

At group, we talk about doing one thing each day. Not a million grandiose things. One thing. Like getting the baby dressed. Like brushing our teeth. Like reading one page of a book or magazine. I need to focus on one thing, but I can’t seem to zone in on just one thing when there are so many things all vying for my attention.

I remember Diane telling people that during some of her worst times, family or friends would sit across the table from her and help her take just one bite of food. I wish I had someone directing me. Sitting me down. Helping me sort my muddled mind. Slowing me down. Helping me breathe, drink water, eat a meal from start to finish, a real meal–not just the crusts and leftovers off of my kids’ plates.

I have one hour before preschool pickup. Now that I have sat down and written, I’m feeling a little bit more centered. The laundry is in the dryer. I need to make a grocery list, clean up the basement, unpack from the weekend, make up our bed, clean up toys, rake leaves, edit this post, tag and link it, find a strawberry cake recipe, bank deposit, grocery shop, figure out dinner, and solve all the problems of the entire world–all within this one hour.

I know I’m causing a lot of my own stress, but I haven’t figured out how to take the money off my own back–I only know how to keep putting it back up on there.