Monday, November 12, 2007

a meditation on medication

This article at Postpartum Progress and recent human interactions in my life spawned this journal entry below.

I have a friend who has recently contacted me about the possibility of having PPD. The crazy thing is, she hasn’t even had her baby yet? Isn’t that crazy? You can’t suffer from PPD if you haven’t had a baby yet, right?

WRONG! SO WRONG! HOW IGNORANT ARE YOU?

Anyone can suffer a perinatal (that means during pregnancy or after birth) mood disorder. I did during my third pregnancy. And I think my friend is too.

It’s hard to give advice on what to do. I listen to myself talking to her and bet my words are just bouncing right out of her overly-stimulated, feeling-all-clogged-up ears, or that she sees my lips moving but her haze-riddled mood-muddled eyes just can’t make out the words. She knows she’s not her, her brain is telling her that, but it’s also sedating her to the point where there’s nothing more she can really do about it.

I’ve been there too. That’s how I know. I remember. And quiver. Like when you remember having a terrible flu with violent vomiting. It makes you quiver, shiver, and wish you never have to go through it again. And that no one else will have to either.

I have urged her on several occasions to talk to her doctor immediately. She’s complacent and waiting until her next appointment.

I say “you don’t have to suffer, you don’t have to struggle”, yet she chooses to grit her teeth and claw her way through another disheartening day. We can only make choices for ourselves although if I had my way I’d drive her straight to her doctor and walk her into the office proclaiming the dire straits of her daily life and demanding some darn-good care.

But I can’t do that. You’d never let me. I might even spend a night in the slammer if I try a stunk like that. But know I’m on you like a HAWK, my friend. I’m not letting you get away with suffering when there are so many options, so many therapies, so much support and reasons not to suffer. That is one good thing about living here and now. You have options. There is help availble. You don’t have to suffer. Amen and than you Jesus!

I found grace in a lot of areas–praying friends, family, support groups, psychiatry, books, an understanding spouse, but most of all in a little blue pill called Zoloft. I hate that I have to have medication to keep me ‘balanced’ and normal, but that is the reality of my life right now. I’m not strong enough to do all the other things in my life to achieve the balance I really long for. Someday, when the choices I make are all my own, when I’m not ruled, run, and ravished by raising kids I’ll be able to be more proactive about being healthy. Drinking oceans of water, walking and exercising, preparing healthy energizing foods for every meal, eating every meal, getting copious amounts of sleep, initiating life-giving social interactions, reading soul-stuffing books, and maybe even writing one too!

But until then, I take my little (now it’s yellow because I’ve switched to generic because of the cost factor) yellow pill every morning and send up a prayer for a good day while the little yellow pill slides down my throat with a gulp of tepid water.

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