(Κάθαρσις)

shaking head
thoughts buzzing like vertigo
chin tilted seesaw like with one eyebrow cocked
"i asked you to take it away, but like this? really?"
angst creeps up like stomach-acid
so many words bitten back, bidden silent--for right or for wrong?
disgusted but thankful for my grass no matter what shade of green
twisted, so twisted
wanting to want the best, but knee-jerking infection endowed sputum
fanciful insanity of the willed wild
"...the sins of the fathers..."
deep sadness and confusion
the cycle of addiction continues
enabled
so crippled
failure sheep-skinned and shellacked with Jesus isms
a reality skewed, skewered, contorted, distorted
shame
deaf & blind, probably a whole lotta dumb
poor beggar

http://scottsadoptionjourney.blogspot.com/

Lagging

I've hardly been writing here...or on LAB...but I've been doing lots and lots of thinking, reading, praying, writing on paper, talking on the phone, etc. You probably won't see much here for a while...I think we'll be focusing our time and energies other places for the next year or two. So read up--I may let this blog lag for a while and eventually even disappear...POOF!

soccer + mom

Bad. This is bad. And not like when fat is 'phat'. Why don't we also snap a picture of me throwing like a girl, golfing with my hands on the club like it's a hockey stick, doggy paddling in the lap pool and throwing up a granny shot.

Now, really, folks. I did grow up playing all sorts of sports and being pretty good at most of them. Someone must have dropped a quarter in the grass next to the soccer ball...I know better than to look at the ball while kicking, don't I???

Seriously a modern-day miracle

For Immediate Release
Date: May 22, 2008
Contact: William T. Cousins , III
Township Manager
(616) 949-1500

CASCADE TOWNSHIP PURSUES TWO OPEN SPACE PROPERTIES

(Cascade Township, Michigan) Cascade Charter Township took the first step today toward the
eventual purchase of two large, undeveloped parcels; thus preserving the Township’s open space for future generations. In today’s action, the Township signed an option agreement, which gives the Township the right to purchase 80 unoccupied acres of the Tassell estate property (located north of Burton Street and East of Cascade Road), to make it a public, open space for the township. This action is pending formal approval of the option agreement by the Cascade Township Board at its next regular meeting on Wednesday, May 28, at 7:00 p.m. Additionally, the Township has been actively pursuing other large tracts of property, also identified by the Township’s long-standing Open Space Committee. These major purchases, as well as future parcels deemed suitable for purchase by the Township’s Open Space Committee, are contingent upon the successful passage of a proposal seeking a millage increase on the November 4, 2008 ballot. The Township will continue to pursue other sources of financial support (e.g. private gifts, public grants, etc.), to augment the millage.

-more

Cascade Township News Release Page Two

The public acquisition of open space was identified as a high priority by the Township’s Open
Space Committee, and by a survey of Township residents, conducted earlier this year. The
aforementioned property acquisitions are being considered because they contribute to open
space, promote land conservation, and encourage careful stewardship of land and water
resources. The purchase of these parcels also meets many of the criteria of the Natural Features Inventory in a manner that supports the Township’s Master Plan. If exercised, the option for the Tassell estate property will allow for a closing on the property on or before December 31, 2008.
# # #

A small measure of success...for now...

Uniting as neighbors, it seems we have had some success at stopping or at least stalling a horrific proposal to develop-to-death a large plot of land at the top of our street. I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know a large number of our extended neighbors through this process and will continue to be actively involved in our township's future planning.

Dear Neighbors:

I just spoke with Steve Peterson and he confirmed that John Halland has withdrawn his proposal to develop the Tassell property. He reported to Mr. Peterson that he could not arrange financing. Mr. Peterson indicated that the escrow account Mr. Halland established with the township will be charged for all the services done for this proposal, and if there is anything remaining, it will be returned to Mr. Halland.

The next meeting of the Board is Wednesday, May 28th at 7:00 PM at the Wisner Center. There is likely to be discussion of this withdrawn plan and I encourage as many people as possible to attend, in order to demonstrate that the end of this proposal is not the end of our involvement.

The next meeting of the Planning Commission is on June 2nd at 7:00 PM at the Wisner Center. I will keep you informed of the agenda as it becomes available. Issue of stormwater runoff, erosion of streams, etc. are still in play in our township and we must stay involved.

So now, with this preposterous proposal withdrawn, we can get to the business of working with the township officials to correct the process that is used to propose developments, update and make specific the ordinances that have been written with too much room for interpretation and subjectivity, require that the Comprehensive Plan have the legal weight of an ordinance and generally improve the way we, the citizens of this township, view and interact with our own community. We have begun. THANK YOU. Dick

Skullduggery

Playing pirate ship at the zoo. Fun times! Elli is saying "ahoy!" while I'm shouting "aaargh! where's me booty?". Liam is hoisting the sail and Addi is the gypsy princess.

Super Man cake

Liam's birthday theme of choice this year was Super Man. He actually wanted Spider Man, but mom Hoffman didn't have a cake pan that would allow me to easily make a cake of the webbed wonder. This cake pan was one my mom used for my brothers when they were little and I was so excited to make a super cake with Liam and my MIL--who had never used an icing bag before! I think she's hooked, and I think I did pretty well to "let go" and let Liam ice the way he wanted to, and I just gulped and let the glaring brown spot of cake showing on Super Man's belt just stay that way rather than swoop in and fix it.

I feel pretty...oh so pretty...

You can look at me like you hate me. I'll look back at you with stubborn resolve at the heart of which is love.
You can narrow your eyes, avert your eyes, refuse to look me in the eye. But when you're ready to look at me, I'll still be looking at you.
You can treat me like I'm not in the room or not even in your life. But I'm not leaving the room, and even if I do, I'm not leaving your life.
You can be silent. Lock yourself away in your room or tap on your keyboard and pretend I don't exist while you while away the minutes, hours, days doing nothing. I'll keep listening to make sure you're there and that you're OK.
You can sob and pull on my heart strings so damn hard I physically hurt standing up tall despite the strain. I'll set the tissue box within your reach, and when you're not looking I'll go sob my heart out too.
You can make me wonder if I really am the bad guy. If I'm evil. If I'm mean for pushing you to do the right thing. For not backing down and letting you get away with being weak or making poor choices. I'm not perfect either, and I know that.

But I will not let you not be a man.

Up next, Jenna chains herself to a tree

(Sent to neighbors4serenity)

I and 4 other neighbors attended tonight's (Monday) Planning Commission meeting. Here are some of my observations:

The case before the commission was a public hearing for an individual requesting a special permit to build an outbuilding on his property--basically a workshop and storage for ATV's, tractor, etc. There were photos, site plans, and Steve Peterson had made a site visit as well to walk the property and view the surrounding properties. The board asked if they had received any letters or phone calls about this case, and there had been none.

Steve's recommendation to the board was that the structure was within the guidelines of the township, and the building and materials used "would fit in with the neighborhood".

Not on the agenda, but Steve asked for the board's impromptu feedback about a bank that is being built on the Meijer lot (Kraft & 28th st) wondering how the township would feel about their adding a 4th drive-thru lane and or a stand-alone ATM onto their site. Some of the board comments about this idea were:

• "I'm most concerned about NOT creating a traffic hazard
• "The sight is already so tight"
• "I don't know how much more we can really fit..."
• "I'm afraid we've been trying to develop [this site] for the developer. I think they need to bring us a plan and we say yes or no"
• "I'm more concerned about the traffic flow"
• "That's enough. It's like putting a size 10 foot into a size 8 shoe"

I got the impression that they don't really want to interrupt traffic, cram things in, create safety hazards, etc. It gave me a warm fuzzy in regards to the concerns we have for the Tassel parcel being jam-pack-crammed with living spaces.

After the meeting, I asked Steve Peterson if we can expect responses to the letters we've written. He said there's really no way for anyone to respond to them as they have not yet received or seen an actual plan from the developer. He said he would be collecting the letters to copy and give to the board before the public hearing so that they would be informed on how the community feels about the project.

He assured me that the Halland proposal he had seen thus far was nothing more than a sketch with not even measurements etc written in on it, hence why they had asked him to get more detailed information before returning to them with a plan. One of the other board members standing nearby to listen to our conversation asked if I was on Windcrest (yes) and said that they are getting the feeling that there are quite a few people very passionate about this project. They said the original drawing had 97 homes on the site, then tried to remember if it was 103...I mentioned that the latest we had seen/heard was 101 homes. I also mentioned that the ponds keep moving--which got a laugh out of both members.

I mentioned that I hoped they got the impression that yes, a lot of us are very passionate, but it's because we care. I asked what we could be doing to best come alongside the board and work together on the potential development of this site, and Steve said that we don't need to come to all the meetings (we are certainly welcome, though)--he (meaning Halland) won't sneak in and get something approved at the last minute as there are deadlines to get on the agenda etc. He said that if we are organized for the public hearing--as in have a spokesperson from each neighborhood concerned, that will be best. Also in the area of letters, brevity is best (that's HIS recommendation...not mine;-).

I asked if there's anything else we can do, and he said "get on the board...there are spaced open...turn in your name." So...anyone want to volunteer?

All in all, I got a really good feeling that we probably have more on our side than we are anticipating--not to disband and let what will be just be, but at least they are getting a sense that we are "out there", that we are passionate, involved, concerned, and to keep doing what we are doing.

Also--there is a Planning Comission Board Open House at the library Tuesday night 5:30-7pm. Same time as the watershed meeting--which Steve affirmed that storm management water and run-off is a huge issue in the Tassel/Halland proposal. So let's really work that storm water management angle as much as possible! And get people out to talk to the board members, they aren't unapproachable at all--they want to hear from us and serve us the best they know how.

Hope this is a pat on the back to a lot of you as well as a shot in the arm to keep it up.

The baby doll

artist (pronounced 'ar-teest') in Duff's bakery i am not, but able to take the old Wilton Raggedy Anne cake pan from 1971 and turn it into Addison's baby doll birthday cake i am.

I borrowed a recipe called "One bowl chocolate cake" from Jean and modified it just a bit to cut the sugar in half (this a cake for a 2-year old people, kids don't need sugar!), add a little bit of health (using olive oil and some rye flour instead of all white processed stuff) and give it some zing with a bit of fresh grated lemon zest. It was delicious. I don't know anyone at the party that didn't have two pieces!

I've never gone wrong with mom's recipe for vanilla butter frosting. And making the icing and decorating this bad boy...or baby doll...in under an hour amazes me. Imagine what I could have done if I had taken my time, and been able to do it without a "helping" 3 year old on the counter getting into all the tips, bags, colors, icing, candy, etc. or a crying 23 month old in one arm for most of the time!

Enough bragging about myself. I need to go to bed so I can wake up tomorrow and bask in memories of my last birth experience...that's another brag session in itself...and the child that has been a surprise and delight of gargantuan proportion. Addison Mabel, every birthday of yours will be happy for me because of the constant joy you bring to my life. I love you more than words can say, my little baby doll.

Yeah--it fits

After taking the Facebook "Which Jane Austen Heroine Are You?" quiz, I realized I had not read or seen the Jane Austen novel whose heroine I most resembled.

So I read it at the cabin in about 2 days. I LOVED the book, and think I do quite resemble the heroine in many aspects. It's not spot on, but pretty close. Close enough to give me a chuckle.

I thoroughly enjoyed the wit Austen employed in this novel and would recommend you read it rather than the other well-known of her novels. This one is more unique, I think.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Dear Township Board Members,

I am writing to present my concerns regarding the proposed development of the Tassel property into a high density housing complex called “Oak Park”.

My family and I moved to Cascade township in 2004. We moved here from Grand Rapids township because we liked the ambiance Cascade township provided—mainly that of unique homes on large wooded lots with an abundance of natural surroundings. We wanted to live in a place that was safe for raising children, where neighbors and community were part of our everyday life, and where we could be close to work, church, and good schools without being jam-packed up against neighbors the way we were in GR township.

When we chose our home on Windcrest street, we asked what the large tract of land at the top was, and were told it was the Tassel property—and that it would never be developed because it was protected land.
That's why we were shocked and dismayed to get the flier from Halland Homes outlining a garish housing complex that would turn our quiet cul-de-sac of a street into a veritable through-way for construction vehicles and ultimately upwards of 1,000 cars per day.

We had planned to live in this house for the duration of our lives (we are 31 with 3 small children), but have put a screeching halt on all of our planned home renovations until we hear the outcome of the township's decision on this development. We are afraid of the negative impact the actual construction will wreak on our homes as well as the fiscal decline all the surrounding neighborhoods will inevitably suffer if this development is authorized by the township in its current proposed form.

My biggest fear and absolute nightmare is that Windcrest will not only be used as a construction entrance during the construction phase, but even if it is initially deemed only an “emergency entrance/exit”, it will soon become just a through street to 1,000 plus cars. [PUD 16.02(4)], [PUD 16.03(3.b)], [PUD 16.04(5.d, 5.g]

The only relief in this situation for us is knowing you are there. You are Cascade township residents just like we are looking out for the best interest of your constituents and the township as a whole. When we placed the Halland Homes site plan next to the Cascade township zoning ordinance, we could clearly see that they did not line up. That gave us hope that this project could not come to fruition as proposed because you had already created guidelines to protect residents from having their properties infringed upon and from developers being allowed to change the landscape and aesthetic of the township simply to maximize their profit margins. Thank you for protecting us by having these rules and regulations in place so that land is not simply developed for the profit of others at our expense!

1.To encourage the use of land in accordance with its character and adaptability.
Halland stated that they will first need to “clear cut” the site and “site balance” it in order to build a development. This clearly wipes the land clean of any character it might have boasted of. [PUD 16.03(2.b, 2.c), [PUD 16.04(4)], [PUD 16.04(5.a, 5.b, 5.e, 5.f, 5.i, 5.j, 5.k)]
Home sites will need to be retro-fitted for walk-out basements, which do not naturally occur with the landscape of this parcel, but rather because in Halland's words, “no one wants a flat house anymore, so to make walk-outs we have to scoop out dirt to make 'em.” [PUD 16.03(2.b, 2.c)], [PUD 16.04(4)], [PUD 16.04(5.j)]
The character of the current property is lush ground cover, trees, wildlife habitat, and pond areas—these will need to be removed and rearranged in order to replace them with proposed homes and recreational areas rather than building between and around the current natural landscape.[PUD 16.03(2.b, 2.c,2.d)], [PUD 16.04(4)], [PUD 16.04(5.a, 5.b, 5.e, 5.h, 5.i, 5.j, 5.k)]
Adaptability—the biggest hurdle is getting water to the home sites by tapping into current water pipes as well as damming, burming, piping, and using ponds to keep natural run-off from the site from running onto other properties. It makes no sense to me to have to force all of the water re-distribution proposed to make this home site work. Hence, the adaptability of this land for such high density home sites is not inherent.[PUD 16.03(2.b, 2.d)], [PUD 16.04(1,4)], [PUD 16.04(5.a, 5.b, 5.c, 5.f, 5.k)]

2.To promote the conservation of natural features and resources.
Halland will be clear-cutting this land, removing and chipping all the trees on it then shipping the chips off-site. [PUD 16.03(2.b)], [PUD 16.04(4)], [PUD 16.04(5.a, 5.b, 5.e, 5.f, 5.i, 5.j, 5.k)]
Wildlife will be displaced. (We were told not to say anything about the deer, wild turkeys, rabbits, hawks, mice, spiders, bugs, snakes, etc., so I am not going to mention any of them) [PUD 16.03(2.b)], [PUD 16.04(4)]
Current water-holding areas will be “moved” and re-created to allow the housing development.[PUD 16.03(2.b)], [PUD 16.04(1,4)], [PUD 16.04(5.c, 5.k)]
There will be nothing “natural” left—everything on this entire site will be manufactured—even and especially the “common areas” and “open space”. We asked if Mr. Halland would transplant any of the trees on site and he said no.[PUD16.03(2.b)], [PUD 16.04(4)], [PUD 16.04(5.i, 5.j, 5.k)]
One of the most important natural resources on the Tassell property is the ground which acts as a natural water filter for those of us whose homes subsist on well water. I shudder to think what the water filling our wells would be like should this development be approved—no longer having the 80 acres of natural filtration and now dealing with toxic fertilizers, chemicals, nitrates, phosphates etc. the residents and caretakers of these homes may choose to use on their homes and properties or would naturally occur form their day-to-day existence in these homes.[PUD 16.03(2.a, 2.b, 2.c, 2.d,2.e)], [PUD 16.04(4)]
Should wells become tainted or poisoned as a result of this development, will well-water residents be forced to hook up to city water at their own expense? [PUD 16.03(2.b)]
Today we had a rainy day. I snapped pictures of water streaming down Windcrest. I cannot imagine the floodwaters that would roll down our street every time it rains should the 80 acres at the top be developed into concrete slabs that do not absorb water, sloped and designed to make it run off from their properties. [PUD 16.03(2.b. 2.d)], [PUD 16.04(4)], [PUD 16.04(5.b, 5.c, 5.k)]

3.To encourage innovation in land use planning and development.
There is nothing innovative about cramming as many homes as you can onto a plot of land for your own personal gain and at the great expense of everyone in the surrounding vicinity. [PUD 16.03(2.a, 2.d)], [PUD 16.04(1, 4)], [PUD 16.04(5.g, 5.i, 5.k)]
There is no intentional site-integration planning involved in this proposal, simply the most quick-fix and biggest bang-for-your-buck type of plan that will bring a quick flow of cash, but in the long run be a costly and ghastly mistake. [PUD 16.03(2.a,2.d)], [PUD 16.04(1, 4)], [PUD 16.04(5.g, 5.i, 5.k)]
This land would be a perfect opportunity to try to attract people of the creative class to Michigan—by luring them with beautiful, creative, unique homes set in a ethereal forest-like setting. Not repel them with pre-fab-like row houses. [PUD 16.03.(2.e)], [PUD 16.04(5.e, 5.k)]

4.To promote the enhancement of housing, employment, shopping, traffic circulation and recreational opportunities for the people of the Township.
It is obvious that flooding the current housing market with more supply when there isn't even any demand will only drive down housing values. [PUD 16.03(2.d)], [PUD 16.04(5)
Currently, there is one buyer for every 12.5 sellers (that is for all of Kent County and adjoining counties). For the past two plus years we have been in a double digit buyer to seller ratio which may not mean anything to some people unless they are aware that about four years ago we were running ratios in the high sixes to mid eights back when the market was healthy and the housing market was peaking. As the last page of the report demonstrates, the majority of homes selling in the area are homes under $150,000 (a whopping 75%!), if any builder is saying that new $300,000-$500,000 homes are moving the best, I would have to beg to differ and ask for some documentation. My figures are straight from the Multiple Listing Service of the Grand Rapids Association of Realtors of which this builder is a member. (Kim Paavola, Greenridge Realty-Cascade)
When I go to the MLS and search all sold properties in Forest Hills schools from 4/1/07 to 4/1/08, here is the breakdown of homes sold in various price ranges: --$0 - $150,000 = 104 homes sold --$150,000 - $300,00 = 316 homes --$300,000 - $500,000 = 161 homes --$500,000+ = 65 homes. This includes both new and existing homes, again if any builder is claiming that $300,000 to $500,000 is the most active, then I'm not seeing it. That being said I will agree that a good portion of the market in that price range is attracted to new homes but of the 161 homes that sold in the $300K to $500K range mentioned above, 117 of them were two years old or older. Certainly not every new home that was sold was listed but I think saying that new homes in the $300K to $500K range are selling the best is an ambitious statement. (Kim Paavola, Greenridge Realty-Cascade)
This unsightly design does not in any way enhance housing for anyone in the Township.[PUD 16.03(2.c, 2.d)] , [PUD 16.04(1)], [PUD 16.04(5)
Traffic on roads around this proposal are already in various states of disrepair and crowding. Adding upwards of 1,000 cars per day will increase traffic circulation problems and multiply safety issues necessitating an increase in public service entities.[PUD 16.03(2.b)], [PUD 16.04(1)], [PUD 16.04(5.f, 5.g, 5.h, 5.k)]
There are no recreational opportunities presented in this plan for people of the Township. As a gated community, only inhabitants of the community will be able to use the recreational areas of the development. [PUD 16.03(2.a)], [PUD 16.04(4)], [PUD 16.04(5.e, 5.f, 5.h, 5.k)],
The incorporation of the bike path with the entrance to the development sounds like a certain death-trap rather than a sage design in safety for the welfare of walkers, joggers, bikers, etc that regularly use the bike path. [PUD 16.03(2.a, 2.b)], [PUD 16.04(1,4)], [PUD 16.04(5.d, 5.g)]

5.To promote and ensure greater compatibility of design and use between neighboring properties.
All the properties on the surrounding areas enjoy large, private, wooded lots. Living on Windcrest, which has the smallest lots of all the surrounding properties, we enjoy our own vegetation, privacy via a large amount of trees, homes staggered down the hill so that we are not looking into each others' windows, as well as a generous amount of land between each home. Not to mention each home is unique in design and layout in accordance with the flow of the land—for instance our home has a walkout basement because the slope of the hill allows it while our next door neighbors do not have a walkout basement because their slice of land does not. [PUD 16.03(2.c)], [PUD 16.04(1,4)], [PUD 16.04(5.a, 5.b, 5.d, 5.e, 5.f, 5.g, 5.h, 5.i, 5.j, 5.k)]
This afternoon I drove around to look at other homes and lots around the Tassel property. What Halland is proposing could not be more different and incompatible with what is currently in that area. Cookie cutter homes on a flattened section of land cleared of all trees and vegetation has no place in this township—in fact it reminded me more of the side of town I moved away from—Kentwood.[PUD 16.03(2.c)], [PUD 16.04(1,4)], [PUD 16.04(5.a, 5.b, 5.d, 5.e, 5.f, 5.g, 5.h, 5.i, 5.j, 5.k)]

On a positive note, I like the idea of employing a local developer. In Michigan's current economic state, I am thrilled to keep as much work “in house” as possible. I believe one of Mr. Halland's residences lies within Cascade township, which I assume means he has a vested interest in the look, feel, and aesthetic of the township he and his family live in. I would hope that profit generated from this project might be recycled back into the township. I have heard second and third-hand that Mr. Halland is a good developer, builds beautiful houses and is good to work with in selling and closing on homes, yet I have also read articles lambasting him for despoiling coastal dunes and beaches and that The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers is investigating possible criminal charges against Halland. (Muskegon Chronicle, June 7, 2007).

I believe the currently proposed development does not in any way, shape, or form coincide with Cascade township ordinances for developing within the look and feel of our township's aesthetic. I also fear many greatly negative ripple effects fiscally, naturally, to traffic patterns, safety especially to bike path users and Windcrest residents, and emotionally to the residents surrounding the entire perimeter to the proposed Oak Park development.

In the Spring 2008 Cascade Connections newsletter, one of your goals is to “Continue to seek and aggressively pursue large tracts of land for open spaces preservation. Seek additional opportunities for public and private partnerships in this.” The property in question for proposed development would make a fabulous open space, park, or bike path crossroads for the people of Cascade township to enjoy. Has this line of inquiry been pursued?

Thank you for receiving and representing our common concerns in regard to this proposed development.

Sincerely,

The Scott Family—Jennifer & Dan, Liam, Ellison, Addison
7114 Windcrest St SE

I am...

I took the "which Jane Austin heroine are you?" quiz and came up with this one. I haven't read this book yet, but just ordered it from the library. From her description, I think it's about half correct...or maybe it's spot on and I'm not willing to admit I'm perceived as naive and loved for my childlike adventurous spirit?

Catherine Morland

You love to read and often allow your over-active imagination to run away with you. You are not afraid of a mysterious adventure, and as a tomboy would rather be apart of the action than sit around gossiping with the girls. You are considered humble and often naive, but you always learn from your grand mistakes. You are loved for your childlike and adventurous spirit.

Funny stuff

While I was up to my elbows in fluffy pink bows and heart-riddled bridal shower wrapping paper at Party City, my husband and kids were at the back of the store goofing off. I had no idea they had done this until Dan uploaded these pictures, which he entitled "channeling Elton John". Seriously folks, how much life was missed before they put cameras on cell phones?

Easter Dinner

Le Menu

Spiral sliced ham with pineapple

Mashed potatoes with pink ham gravy
Green bean casserole
Resurrection buns

If you or anyone you know needs a place to sup for Easter dinner, the Scotts extend an open invitation. Please let us know how many will attend. (So I can make enough resurrection buns)

We are bad parents

One day while I was running errands and Dan was babysitting, Liam gave Addi a "haircut". She now has a mullet-type look on one side of her head.

Not too many days after the first haircut, I was home with the kids when Elli decided Addi needed some "bangs"--right in the middle of the top of her head.

Now you know why I keep putting a side ponytail and myriad hair clips all over Addi's little head. It is NOT because I am stuck in the 80's.

Smokey Spice

My food nerd friend, Heather, did this first. I think my spice is right on.

You Are Cumin

You are warm, unique, and pretty dominant. It's also pretty likely that you smoke or like fire. You are energetic and intense. You definitely stimulate people.

What Spice Are You?

At camp this weekend, we tried to drive the Odyssey up the hill to the rec center. But the icy hill and hairpin curves foiled us, and we had to back down the hill. Our camp friends fired up two John Deere Gators--one of which I got to drive. Liam LOVED the Gators, but little did he know that his mommy loved driving them even more. There's another "first" on my list--driving a John Deere. And ENJOYING it. Yikes! Never saw that one comin'.

C is for cookie

So, I've been singing "C is for cookie" --but changing the letter to suit my kids' names and sing about them--for about 5 years now.

Today after lunch we cleaned up our places and sat down to eat our cookies for dessert. We were talking 'Cookie Monster' (me like cookie, um, um, um) when Liam asked me to sing "L is for Liam", then "E is for Elli", I had to ad-lib "A is for Addi" because I've not sung that to her yet. After I finished, Liam started singing "J is for mommy". (You think I was going to stop and correct him? No way--I totally knew what he meant and there was no stinkin' way I was going to stop his song because I couldn't wait to hear what he came up with!)

"J is for mommy, she is a really good mommy" (yes, I was sobbing by this point)
"J is for mommy, she likes purple"
"J is for mommy, she likes candies that are chocolate"
"Oh J is for mommy, mommy, mommy.

I even got a second verse, but I can't remember any of it. It was just totally unexpected and sweet. Especially after we had a bit of a 'rough' morning.

Even more shocking--I can't believe how well he knows me--even the second verse was spot-on things about just me. Not generic like "she is a girl" or "she has yellow hair". Shocking because children are totally ego-centric until between ages 4-6. Liam's not yet 5.

That, and a bunch of other things I can't talk about here, really made my day today. Speaking of C is for cookie...I'm gonna go get me 'nother cookie before the kids wake up from their naps. See ya!

I miss bonfires!

It's winter, but summer's comin'!

My big little stack of 'dirty' books

I'm so thankful our local library has self-checkout. If I had taken this mammoth stack of sex books to a librarian to check out for, I think they would have been mortified. And rightly so.

I can just imagine one of them leaping over to the computer system to 'flag' my account as a possible sex fiend after checking out the titles I did. Then using Purell to cleanse their hands and eyes from what they had just been subjected to looking at. And I picked the 'tame' titles! There were a few steamy ones I had to make myself put back on the shelves. Some were inappropriate and some were perplexing to this aspiring sex kitten. Meow?

For each LAB meeting, I endeavor to provide as many resources as possible on the topic at hand. In preparation for Monday night's LAB meeting (on returning to intimacy after baby--or the sex pep-talk) I wanted to have a wide variety of marriage, intimacy, communication, and sex books available for anyone brave enough to come to the meeting.

Here is what I checked out:

• The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido by Michele Weiner Davis


• The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger


• Sex God: Exploring the Endless Connections Between Sexuality and Spirituality by Rob Bell


• Sometimes I Wake Up Grumpy... and Sometimes I Let Him Sleep by Karen Scalf Linamen


• Sex 101: Getting Your Sex Life Off to a Great Start by Clifford & Joyce Penner


• Five Essentials for Lifelong Intimacy by Dr. James Dobson


• Now What?: The Chapman Guide to Marriage After Children by Gary Chapman


• Living Romantically Every Day by Barbara Taylor Bradford


• the Seventeen guide to SEX and YOUR BODY by Sabrina Solin


• Sex on the Brain: The Biological Differences Between Men and Women by Deborah Blum


• The Marriage you've Always Wanted by Dr. Gary Chapman


• The Four Seasons of Marriage by Gary Chapman


• Is That All He Thinks About?: How to Enjoy Great Sex with Your Husband by Marla Taviano (my friend with whom I went to college)
  


• Every Man's Battle: Every Man's Guide to...Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker with Mike Yorkey

• Why Do Men Fall Asleep After Sex?: More Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Whiskey Sour by Mark Leyner and Dr. Billy Goldberg (this book is hilarious, and is apparently a sequel to Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini--I've gotta get this book too!)

I've also read and reviewed Sex Begins in the Kitchen: Because Love is an All-Day Affair and Is there Really Sex After Kids? on the blog before.

So, I'd love to sit and chat, but I have some reading to do. Then a husband...to...cough...cough...giggle...do.

you know you're an old fart when...

...Virginia Woolf's insane proliferations are more appealing to you than the Grammy's.

Cooking up a storm

Cold weather outside is my perfect excuse to fire up the oven inside.

Saturday night I whipped up some spinach artichoke dip for Dan and I to enjoy while watching "Hero". Oh...it was amazing. The dip, that is. I'd share the recipe but I don't cook from recipes, so...sorry! I liked the movie a lot too. And the Cap'n Morgan...

Sunday I put an eye of round roast in the oven to slow-cook all day, made hand-mashed champ and organic green bean casserole. This meal tasted so much like childhood Sundays to me that I ate two platefuls and forced myself not to indulge in a third.

This afternoon I wandered into the realm of brownies from scratch. I just cannot help myself from adding health to everything I cook, however. And although I could have easily made a dense, gooey, moist, buttery decadence of a batch of brownies, I "snuck" in pumpkin puree and raisins, while cutting down the sugar and butter called for in the recipe. They're smashing with a glass okf milk, cup of coffee, slathered in natural peanut butter, Fluff, some leftover chocolate frosting, or Cool Whip.

Ding!

I just had the most serious epiphany.

THE INTERNET IS THE NEW ANSWERING MACHINE

Seriously. We shut our laptops to go watch TV (or in some cases go play video games) then run back afterwards to check and see what we 'missed' while we were 'gone'. We sleep at night just to wake up in the morning and check in to see what went on overnight.

This is just crazy to me.

(Or maybe I should re-arrange that last sentence to say 'me is just this to[o] crazy'?)

Friday night

It's Friday night. 7:45pm. We have all 3 kids in bed. Not asleep yet, but in bed. Here's our convo: (I never use the word convo to mean conversation, but my friend H does, and it cracks me up)

J: Is the library still open?
D: No, it closes at 5 on Fridays
J: Poor planning, no movie to watch
D: Lah-dee-da...dum--dee-dum...
J: You have gift cards--you should go shopping
D: I wanted to go shopping earlier, but I knew the kids were beyond it
J: You are allowed to have alone time
D: I have alone time all day at work--you need alone time
J: Hey, if you will enjoy yourself and have fun, go do it
D: I'll probably come back without anything. I don't understand why I'm so picky lately--I never want to buy anything
J: It's because we realize the value of our money--we don't spend it on just any old crap because we feel like spending. It's all Dave Ramsey's fault
D: laugh--yeah. It's true though
J: GO. Have fun. I'll read a book and chill out or something

fade

A virtual thank you

In response to this

Dear FRIEND,

Whoever you are, you have made me curiouser than George.

First of all, when I received a card from A FRIEND, I immediately knew it was something good, but something in me was wary. Why don't you want me to know who you are?

Secondly, instead of being thankful for the fun gift, my type A brain immediately had to work at figuring out who you are. I mean, I was examining the envelope for "clues", postal markings, comparing the envelope to the card, looking for hairs stuck in the hot glue, fingerprints on the gift cards, sniffing the insert for any giveaway scents (??? I'm not even sure I would know what that would be either--coffee, Pert Plus, un-showered morning breath--who knows?). It was almost sick how totally zealous and determined I was to figure out who you are! Then I started wondering who would have one $20 Meijer gift card and two $10 Toys/Babies R Us gift cards--or who would go to the two separate stores to purchase them as such. Seriously--my brain went into hyperactive over-drive trying to figure this one out.

THEN--trying to figure out what to buy. OHHHH! The struggle. I seriously--literally--spent 3 hours on-line looking at the Toys R Us website trying to figure out what to buy. Then I spent an hour at the Toys R Us store all by myself, and still came home with nothing. I over-analyzed the entire purchase so much I couldn't even make a decision much less a purchase!

Meijer--that was only slightly tough. I had to keep myself out of the kitchen section--although a splurge for me, I was afraid anything purchased there might qualify as "wisely" and I was REALLY afraid of the punishment you threatened if I chose to spend the gift card that way. I mean, I'm sure you were hiding around the corner, in disguise holding up a newspaper with two eye slits cut in it or sitting up in the security booth watching me on camera to see what I picked out. Right?

I ended up buying myself a pair of New Balance sneakers I found in the clearance section for only $15--then I added a $6 organic cotton long-sleeved T-shirt to give me almost an entire "new" outfit--totally frivolous, and definitely for me alone.

On my third trip to Toys R Us, I landed on an item for our family. I chose the game "Perfection" as it was something I remember enjoying as a kid. So far, my kids have only fought over it, so it's tucked away for another year or two until they can play and enjoy it rather than fight over it. It's a sentimental and totally frivolous purchase as I could have easily nickel and dimed the gift cards on clearance crappo, but instead decided to go old school and get something I remembered from my childhood that maybe my kids will one day remember too. And after the countless hours I spent searching for just the right item, I thought it would be piquant to choose "Perfection".

Now, dear FRIEND, I have given up on trying to figure out who you are. Although I have my short-list of guesses. I'm just waiting for you to burst out "gotcha, it was ME" one of these times we're together.

But it would be much more scintillating if you never reveal yourself and I can continue to treat everyone as if you were my FRIEND.

Sincerely,

Jenna Scott

I got RAK'd (RAK = Random Act of Kindness)

A few days before Christmas, I got a letter in the mail.

Inside the envelope I found a Christmas card with 3 gift cards hot glued to it and a color-printed insert that explained this surprise gift. It said:

Merry Christmas

Jenna, please accept these gift cards under the following conditions::

The Meijer Gift Card -

1. This must be used on you alone or on you and Dan.


2. It MUST be spent frivolously (Eg. Bottle of wine and fancy dessert-that is if you decide to share with Dan.)


3. If I find out that you spend this "wisely" you will be punished.

The Toys/Babies R Us Gift Cards -

1. These must be used on the kids or a family item.


2. These MUST not be spent on something practical (Eg. No diapers)


3. If I find out that you spent these "wisely" you will be punished.

LOVE, A FRIEND



OK. Whoever did this, first of all, thank you for this completely unexpected and fun $40 of shopping. You totally floored me. You got me. You made me cry, you booger!

Second of all, I LOVE A CHALLENGE! And, I haven't been reading mystery books since I was 8 for nothin'!

********* THE CLUES *********

• The letter was addressed to me in all all caps, blue ink, medium point pen--Bic I think. The writing appeared to be male--possibly a wife asked her husband to address it so her handwriting wouldn't give her away? Or a guy sent it, awkward, but still thoughtful.


• The return address area only revealed that it was from "A FRIEND".


• The USPS printing only revealed that it was from a Grand Rapids zip code beginning with the numbers 493. (That means it was mailed in Ada?)


• Hmmm...only someone with extensive glue-gun knowledge was able to attach the gift cards.


• Not to mention computer saavy to get the instructions to fit exactly to the card's interior. And the red and green letter-alternating-patterning was perfectly done--either someone is very good or has waaaaay too much time on their hands. And I don't know anyone with too much time on their hands, so it has to be the former.


• Knows my spouse's name is Dan.


• Knows we aren't teetotalers (hence the bottle of wine comment), yet doesn't know that I don't care for wine unless it's in a highly fruited and very juiced sangria.


• Someone knows me very well in that they knew my first, second, and third thoughts upon seeing the gift cards would be, "sweet! We can get 1/2 tank of gas with the Meijer card and a case of diapers with Babies R Us cards!" Good thing you put the rules in place.


• I'm wondering how you are going to know how I spend these gift cards and whether or not I'll need to be punished. And you must feel pretty comfortable with me to threaten punishment!

I have a few guesses as to who is "A FRIEND" rolling around in my head. (ooh, misplaced modifier! I don't have a friend rolling around in my head, but I do have some guesses rolling around in my head)

I think the point, though, is not to find out who "did this to me", but rather to gracefully accept an unexpected gift. And to step outside my normal pragmatic and thrifty self to enjoy a little self-indulgence at someone else's expense.

Thank you, FRIEND. For knowing me enough to set the "conditions", for caring enough to take the time to make receiving this card so much fun for me, for giving me $40 + the cost of a stamp which you could have very well spent on yourself or your own family, for sharing humbly via anonymity.

it's so not fair

when Dan just gets to jet-set off to Orlando for a weekend to work and I have to stay home with the 3 kids.

Yes I'm being a baby. Yes I'm bitching. Yes I'm jealous. Yes I'm dreading it already. Yes I have issues. Yes, I'll get over it. But not for a while.

dammit it's so not fair.

Sneak Peek

This post won't go up on LAB until Saturday. But I thought it was a fairly decent piece of writing with some amazing photography by Dan. The "Journal Entry" header was created by Nate. I love collaboration!

Virtual friendships

Dan and I have been talking about a lot of things lately. But one topic regularly pops up that really intrigues me. This phenomenon of virtual friendships. Wheedling your way into relationships based on commonality by what you own, what you do, what you enjoy, etc. Instantly, you are linked for life to everyone else who knows and also owns or likes the same kind of car you drive, which type of computer you own, which gaming system you use, what cities you travel to, music you listen to, have the same number of kids, attend(ed) the same school or church, work at the same place, or were at an event you attend probably just to take pictures so you can post them online. Oh, the infinite vastness of the blogospheres. At the drop of a few bucks, purchase of a certain item, or a registration of any type--BAM, instant community!

Do we not remember how to start, cultivate and grow friendships IRL any more? Has our human-ness atrophied this much?

Often this type of community seems so cheap and inauthentic to me. My personal persuasion is that I only become online friends with people I already know IRL. I'm not really in the market for shiny new, surfacey, dollar-store friendships based on me driving a Honda Odyssey van, currently reading Diane Mott Davidson, listening to Christmas music on iTunes, or because I enjoy cooking, travel, and discovering new places.

And I'm even more __________(verb) with people who keep seeking out these disposable friendships and forsaking the real life people right in front of them.

What? You don't have U2 listed as your favorite band anymore? Ba-bye. You decided Apple is not the almighty? Blasphemer--I can no longer IM with you. You didn't like the comment I wrote on your blog and I'll never hear from you again? Um...OK? You misread what I was trying to tell you in an e-mail and you deleted me off your Facebook friendlist?

Or--on the flip side. I don't have any friends, I think I'll go buy some. Hm--if I decide to go to space camp to become an astronaut I'll instantly have tons and tons of friends who are also going to be flying to the moon. Yeah, I like that idea. I'll do that. I don't have as many friends on Facebook as __________(insert name), I'd better fill out more personal information so more people will find me and I can beef up to become a super-friend. People haven't been commenting on my blog, I'd better read and comment on theirs to drum up some traffic. Or maybe I'll re-design, or move to a new "location" and start over.

I think I'm just really disgusted with people these days who are living virtual lives instead of real ones. I mean, heaven forbid the power go out or the internet go down for a few hours or days--some people just about lose their lunch when they're so "unconnected" to the "outside world".

I'll be the first one to raise my hand and admit I've gone through times of addiction to virtual community. It's so empty. I've never been one to look at or be addicted to porn, but I have a feeling it's on the same plane and a lot more justifiable and a lot less taboo than porn. Shame on me. Shame on all of us who fall prey to the cheap electronic relationships we seek and pursue online deceiving ourselves that they will be just as fulfilling IRL as well.

When we step away from our computer screens, we're awfully exposed, aren't we? Are you practicing your human-ness so that if the network ever implodes you'll still be able to converse with people, and want to? Can you still hand-write letters? Communicate with and comprehend people's non-verbals? Weather the rough times with people rather than just signing off and changing your screen name, getting a new e-mail address or blog, and clicking on "Register me now" for a new life?

Sugar-FREE advent calendar giveaway

Growing up, our family counted down to Christmas using a special advent…piece…my mom had cross-stitched just for us. There were 24 plastic rings sewn onto this piece to hold tiny candy canes. Each day, one of the four kids would rotate getting to take and eat a candy cane off the calendar.

As we got older (and wiser?) we demanded better candy than tiny, boring old candy canes. I’ll never forget my mom Scotch-taping holiday colored Hershey’s kisses to each ring by the little Hershey’s kiss flag in each candy. Or the fact that our dog, Cinders, ate all the candies–wrappers and all–while we were at church one Sunday.

Last year my brother, Greg, brought home a Starbucks advent calendar complete with tiny numbered red drawers and stocked with milk and dark chocolates. We all enjoyed eating our way to Christmas, but it was so short-lived and meaningless to me. I had the creative urge to tap the potential this $14.95 little calendar was tempting me with. (They’re $15.95 this year–yikes!)

So, this year, when I pulled out the advent box, my kids started the chorus of, “ooooh, caaaandy!”

But I quickly squelched that dream. I told them that instead of candy this year, we were going to pull out little pieces of paper that would tell the Christmas story day-by-day throughout the month of December. They weren’t as excited about that idea, but they were intrigued. I’ll take intrigued and run with it.

I have visions of a hand-made storybook with kiddie-drawn pictures illustrating each day’s snippet of the new-to-them odyssey. Of my kids really getting Christmas. Of them being able to recite the story from Luke 2 by memory just a few short years from now. Of them looking forward to reading the familiar story every year and if filling them to the brim with excitement and giving them goosebumps every time they read it. Of Jesus is the Reason for the Season being more than a clever rhyme.

I’m offering a FREE advent calendar complete with kid’s version of the Christmas story to one lucky LAB reader. If you are interested in winning this prize, you’ve got to hurry as Dec 1 is just around the corner! Leave me an insightful comment and I’ll pick the one that strikes a chord with me most as the winner on Friday December 30. I’ll either deliver or mail the calendar to the winner!

A Joey Lawrence "whoa!"

So, I was checking the LABlog stats today and was like "how come like a zillion people are reading this one article? Hmm....wonder where all these referrals are coming from?"

The nice thing about Wordpress is that it will answer those questions by letting you know who is referring readers to your posts.

I clicked and almost wet my panties. LAB is linked to a Wall Street Journal article today!

I can't take credit--it's linked to an article Diane wrote. She deserves all the credit. Nice job, Diane! Congrats on being published on LAB, and linked to the WSJ online!

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119507669361593207.html?mod=hps_us_editors_picks

FREE MOVIE! FREE TURKEY!

I’m not usually a coupon-user or gimmick-getter, but this week I was. My neighbor gives us her Sunday paper each week after reading all the sections she’s interested in. I clip coupons, read the comics, study the grocery store ads, then recycle. I don’t use the coupons unless it’s for an item I was already planning to get and it offers me additional savings, but this week I was glad I had clipped and saved all those annoying little bits of paper.


This week at D&W and Spartan Stores, if you purchased 10 General Mills products in one purchase, you would get 2 free tickets to go so Bee Movie. That’s an OK deal–but that’s a lot of [expensive] products. Thankfully, select General Mills cereals and fruit snacks were on sale this week–10 for $20. Still a little pricey, but with additional coupons and my re-used brown bags, I ended up walking out of the store with 9 boxes of cereal, 1 box of fruit snacks, and 2 free tickets (up to $24) to see Bee Movie for $16!

********************CONTEST ALERT!*******************
Now I just have to hive off a friend to go with me to see Bee Movie. If you’re buzzed to see a honey of a film with me for FREE, leave me a comment on this post and pick a number between 1 and 100. I’ll have my antennae up to see who is closest to my number and will get to bee my Bee Movie friend! Contest ends November 20. (Please, no stinging remarks about my waspish use of puns)
*********************************************************

Meijer was also running a special–if you bought a Rival roaster oven for $30, you also got a free chef’s knife and free turkey. I got the roaster oven, but they were sold out of the chef’s knives. I did get the 17 pound turkey, though. Using a $20 Meijer gift card from an ICR taste-test, I left Meijer with a new $45 roaster oven [wish I could brag about the $10 knife too, but oh well] and $25 turkey for just $10 out of my pocket!

Combination and planning. Find a deal, a sale, plus all the coupons you can muster, return soda cans and bottles, re-use brown grocery bags, and you’ll walk away from a store with more stuff and more money!

The first flap

Ohhhhh...I've got the first chap-flap of the season.

You know, when your lips get chapped and you get that really big, hard chunk of lip skin that your front teeth are instinctively trying to grasp onto and rip off and leave a large, painful gaping hole of raw flesh exposed. That sticks up and gets caught every time you close your mouth our rub your lips together. That practically snags your tongue while you're talking.

It's taking all my willpower not to rip it off, but I know how painful it will be as soon as I do it. I keep putting on chap stick to help soften it, but I know it's there and every now and then I find my teeth creeping out to grasp the little flap.

"No, no don't do it", I scream inside my head. Think of the burning you will feel while trying to eat salt & vinegar potato chips around that gargantuan lip hole. Hot chocolate a little too hot straight onto raw, opened flesh-wound. Worse yet the dry, achey-cakey of trying to cover the hole with lipstick. Oh...resist! Resist!

Besides, we all know the little flap never tastes as satisfying and good as we think it will--even if it's Cherry flavor.

a meditation on medication

This article at Postpartum Progress and recent human interactions in my life spawned this journal entry below.

I have a friend who has recently contacted me about the possibility of having PPD. The crazy thing is, she hasn’t even had her baby yet? Isn’t that crazy? You can’t suffer from PPD if you haven’t had a baby yet, right?

WRONG! SO WRONG! HOW IGNORANT ARE YOU?

Anyone can suffer a perinatal (that means during pregnancy or after birth) mood disorder. I did during my third pregnancy. And I think my friend is too.

It’s hard to give advice on what to do. I listen to myself talking to her and bet my words are just bouncing right out of her overly-stimulated, feeling-all-clogged-up ears, or that she sees my lips moving but her haze-riddled mood-muddled eyes just can’t make out the words. She knows she’s not her, her brain is telling her that, but it’s also sedating her to the point where there’s nothing more she can really do about it.

I’ve been there too. That’s how I know. I remember. And quiver. Like when you remember having a terrible flu with violent vomiting. It makes you quiver, shiver, and wish you never have to go through it again. And that no one else will have to either.

I have urged her on several occasions to talk to her doctor immediately. She’s complacent and waiting until her next appointment.

I say “you don’t have to suffer, you don’t have to struggle”, yet she chooses to grit her teeth and claw her way through another disheartening day. We can only make choices for ourselves although if I had my way I’d drive her straight to her doctor and walk her into the office proclaiming the dire straits of her daily life and demanding some darn-good care.

But I can’t do that. You’d never let me. I might even spend a night in the slammer if I try a stunk like that. But know I’m on you like a HAWK, my friend. I’m not letting you get away with suffering when there are so many options, so many therapies, so much support and reasons not to suffer. That is one good thing about living here and now. You have options. There is help availble. You don’t have to suffer. Amen and than you Jesus!

I found grace in a lot of areas–praying friends, family, support groups, psychiatry, books, an understanding spouse, but most of all in a little blue pill called Zoloft. I hate that I have to have medication to keep me ‘balanced’ and normal, but that is the reality of my life right now. I’m not strong enough to do all the other things in my life to achieve the balance I really long for. Someday, when the choices I make are all my own, when I’m not ruled, run, and ravished by raising kids I’ll be able to be more proactive about being healthy. Drinking oceans of water, walking and exercising, preparing healthy energizing foods for every meal, eating every meal, getting copious amounts of sleep, initiating life-giving social interactions, reading soul-stuffing books, and maybe even writing one too!

But until then, I take my little (now it’s yellow because I’ve switched to generic because of the cost factor) yellow pill every morning and send up a prayer for a good day while the little yellow pill slides down my throat with a gulp of tepid water.

Killin' me softly

This is what's got me in the crapper today:
~Elli peeing (not just a little sprinkle-tinkle. Like adult-sized bladder emptying here folks) on my parent's brand new $1k pillow-topper mattress
~Addi pooping on the cushion of the window-seat at my parent's brand new home
~Rubbing in the "miracle cream" that doesn't seem to be doing jack
~listening to the breaks squeal and squeak each time I slow to a stop and agonizing over how the heck to make time to go get them fixed and then pay for them
~needing new windshield wipers
~watching Encore stagger around with an arched back, lame back end, and shake his painful ear

This is the good stuff that's not really lifting my spirits although it should be:
~Dan's day off
~iminent trip to the library
~full tank of gas
~parents in town
~LAB meeting tonight
~warmer day
~I have a van
~my family is safe and healthy
~we have food to eat and water to drink
~our internet is working right now
~Elli didn't need a shot today
~I am

rilly random

Saturday night sees me in the parking lot of D&W using internet. What is up with my neighbors going away for the weekend and turning off their wireless? Is that why it's not working? I don't get it.

Sigh.

I left the house with bloodcurdling screams propelling me to the quiet of my Odyssey. Oh Elli, how can I help you?

Made a snack for tonight's CD-less release party. I made 100 pigs in a blanket, which cost us a total of $5.50. I love deals! The live music at the party was fantastic--so fun. I couldn't believe I attended a church that would throw a CD release party--how cool are we? I just told my parents there was an after-church pot-luck--they just don't get our generation.

Our kids are growing--as in out of their shoes. Elli got a pair of fuzzy pink boots for her birthday, Liam needed new sneaks, and needs new winter boots. He's 4 and wears size 12--the next size is boys/mens sizes. Gulp. Little dude isn't so little anymore.

Had the best time every with my friend Roxy at the zoo. It was moviesque to watch our kids play, talk, and interact with each other. Say goodbye as if they had always been and would always be best buds. Picking up where we left off and talking a million miles a minute the entire time and turning a 12 minute zoo into a 2 hour epic story-telling session of each others' lives to date. Rox, you are just the best!

Sparkly jeans are out for the season. Had to wear them tonight and masquerade as a rock-star. Someone asked me if Dan was singing tonight, and I said "no". I was really sad at that realization. I hope work/life slows down a bit so he can sing again--I didn't realize how much I miss seeing him on stage and singing along with him as he leads worship. He really knows how to worship God--something I hope to one day attain to.

Brrr..it's getting really cold in here. I can't spare gas to run the car/heater while I type, so I guess I'll end here. Goodnight cosmic void.

Cryptography

A melange of emotions showered me like the falling leaves. I can't decide whether I felt washed clean, or covered to drowning.

It was one of those "this was supposed to be 'the day'", but you both knew the anticipated arrival was not coming. Remembering an event that will never happen again in your lifetime--but only ever again in others'.

Reading words the writer and reader knew weren't true, yet both keeping up the facade and pretending each thought the other was telling the truth. Wanting closure and peace. Finality.

Being happy and celebratory while being "hit" every now and then with the remembrance of a memory that never even happened.

Being told "the numbers are really small and the chances are really against you, but sometimes it does happen".

Sitting around a table with people who were integral in an almost magical and surreal time in your life, then almost as instantly out of your life again--but back to remember and keep the relationship and the memories thriving.

Plans stopping and changing on a dime.

Running your fingers over raised print that probably only means something to you and one other person in the world, and relishing the feeling of the font.

Thankful for preservation, yet angry at injustice. Guilty for stupidity and outraged at unfairness. Sad and mourning, yet relieved and safe. Wondering what the lesson is and why the need for it.

Encouraged from every direction, and getting nervous that a shoe is about to drop because things are "too good".

There are more leaves deciding what color they will end up before making the leap from tree to terra. Maybe I should wait a little longer and see how they land before sifting through my emotional potpourri again.

101 views

Yesterday something pretty small (but pretty big to me) happened over at LAB. I had 101 views. I've been wanting to break 100. I get taunted all the time by daily stats of 91 or 93 or 97 views, but never was able to hurl over the 100 mark.

It's no big deal to anyone else but me. It was a little piece of affirmation on a day when I needed to know that not everything is screwed up. And that something I enjoy doing is being enjoyed by others as well.

Just another manic Monday

[I wrote this a few days ago. I'm so glad I captured this moment because where I was on Tuesday as opposed to where I am now, I'm so thankful that things have gone onward and upward from Tuesday's little episode captured below]

Driving two-thirds of my kids to preschool today, I was internally telling myself over and over again, it’s OK. You can do this.

I was envisioning myself telling the kids’ teachers–I’m having a bit of a psychotic break today. I wasn’t sure it was safe for me to be driving. I was aware. I was overly aware. I was dangerously stuck in hyper-awareness gear and it wasn’t a good thing.

My mind was racing with thoughts in all directions all at the same time. All I could think was manic. panic. manic. this is mania. i’m having a manic episode. I can’t slow down, yet I can’t go fast enough. I have so many things to do, I have to get so many things done. I need to go, go, go, do, do, do. I can’t slow down–there’s no time to breathe.

I thought–I can’t wait to write a post–get this all out. See if I can sort things out. Sit in one spot to write an entire post. I need to write. I need to sit. It’ll slow me down.

At group, we talk about doing one thing each day. Not a million grandiose things. One thing. Like getting the baby dressed. Like brushing our teeth. Like reading one page of a book or magazine. I need to focus on one thing, but I can’t seem to zone in on just one thing when there are so many things all vying for my attention.

I remember Diane telling people that during some of her worst times, family or friends would sit across the table from her and help her take just one bite of food. I wish I had someone directing me. Sitting me down. Helping me sort my muddled mind. Slowing me down. Helping me breathe, drink water, eat a meal from start to finish, a real meal–not just the crusts and leftovers off of my kids’ plates.

I have one hour before preschool pickup. Now that I have sat down and written, I’m feeling a little bit more centered. The laundry is in the dryer. I need to make a grocery list, clean up the basement, unpack from the weekend, make up our bed, clean up toys, rake leaves, edit this post, tag and link it, find a strawberry cake recipe, bank deposit, grocery shop, figure out dinner, and solve all the problems of the entire world–all within this one hour.

I know I’m causing a lot of my own stress, but I haven’t figured out how to take the money off my own back–I only know how to keep putting it back up on there.

Ima Dorik

Since I had showered, brushed my hair, and (gasp) put makeup on today, I asked Dan to take a picture of me by the princess cake I frosted for Elli's birthday tomorrow.

Then we got a little silly and carried away.

A cake fit for a (very fiscally-minded) princess

My daughter’s 3rd birthday is today. She saw a princess cake in Miejer about 6 months ago and declared that she wanted/demanded that cake for her birthday.

Being a good mommy actress, I flipped through the pages of the cake-book until I found her princess cake–really I just wanted to see how much it would cost. I’m not positive this is correct, but the number $29.99 sticks in my mind. Maybe it was $36.99?

I remember helping my mom make cakes like this for me when I was a little girl, so I figured I’d save us $30 and make the cake myself.

While in Toys “R” Us registering for our kids’ Christmas list a few weeks ago, I looked to see how much a Barbie doll costs these days. First of all, you can’t really find just a plain Barbie doll–they all have a theme, are dressed “as someone”, and/or come with an extra outfit/accessories (aka “unnecessary stuff”). The cheapest Barbie-looking Barbie I could find was $12.99!

Since $12.99 is more than 1/3 of the $29.99 cake, I decided to get creative. I asked my mom if she’d be willing to dig through a tub of old toys from when I was a kid and see if any of my old Barbie dolls were usable. She found one that I hadn’t given a haircut or wasn’t covered in crayon shavings and brought it out at her last visit.

We’re making a whole foods strawberry cake from scratch–I had to put out $3.99 for organic strawberries. I’ll make buttercream frosting–thankfully Spartan butter is only $1.77 this week and my mom bought a 5 lb bag of 10x sugar last time she was here. I have all the other ingredients on hand and will do my best with what I have in the way of food colorings, piping bags and tips, and lacy/pearly/shiny/princessy accessories.

Although I’m sure the $29.99 cake would be picture perfect, our $6 version will be made with cup fulls of laughs (I hope not too many tears?), a sprinkling of fond memories, and lots and lots of love. You can buy the cake, but you can’t buy the love at Meijer. (Unless your mom is the Meijer birthday cake-baker/decorator.)

The Gift Shop Guild

A long time ago, I was asked to speak to the Spectrum Health Gift Shop Guild. Tomorrow is my "big day".

Apparently I'll get to eat lunch with the ladies from the guild, then I have twenty minutes to share with them about PPD. Twenty minutes is hardly enough to introduce myself!

Chris, the facilitator from the Spectrum Health "This isn't what I was expecting" postpartum emotional adjustment group, will introduce me then read an excerpt from Brooke Shields' book, Down Came the Rain.

I asked her to read the part where Brooke envisions herself throwing her baby against a wall, the baby hitting the wall, sliding down, and becoming a blob on the floor. I think it's probably the most poignant and startling section of her book that resonated with me, at least.

I'm not sure what I'll say. I hope I don't get up in front of these ladies and blubber. I hope I don't bore them into an alzheimatic disorientation. I hope I speak coherently, concisely, frankly. I hope I say things that will speak to them, give them insight into the world of today for a woman trying to overcome a temporary and mysterious mental illness, and spur their guild to allocate funds to enhance the care for new families dealing with postpartum mood disorder complications.

I'll let you know how it goes...

...the little one stops to climb a tree...

She's almost 3. We're already plotting the birthday cake. A strawberry cake "skirt" with a Barbie stuck down the middle of the cake. We're still waffling between blue or pink icing for her gown...I'm almost positive she'll pick pink--then change her mind and cry that she wanted blue as soon as I'm done frosting it with pink. That'll be par for the course.

Ellison Jennaye. Dan picked the "Ellison", and her middle name was going to be "Mabel" but because she was our "last baby", I wanted to give her a semblance of my name, so changed it to Jennaye whilst the Dr. was sewing me up.

I've had the hardest time bonding with Elli. Lots of reasons--most of them just for me to ponder and guard. And she's going through the most traumatic season of her young emotional life thus far. And I'm afraid we're really struggling and oftentimes failing at loving and parenting her in the way she needs us because we just can't understand what it is that she needs and I don't think she's capable of telling us what she needs yet, either. Hopefully, we'll just continue loving and being patient while we learn each others' ups and downs.

I pray that three will see dry all the way through the night. An easy transition to (paci)fier-less. More singing and dancing and less screaming, tantrums, shouting, and irrational and unnecessary drama. Confidence in herself. Standing up straight and facing fears. Learning more and more songs and lessons about Jesus, and feeling his comforting presence in her life even if she doesn't fully comprehend and understand who and why He is here. Being a peacemaker. Being happy. Being obedient right away. Being stubborn and strong-willed, but in a good way. Independence tempered with lots of snuggling, hugs, and "mom, I want you". No rash on her face, a few more pounds, inches, and a thick head of hair. But most of all health, stability, and the knowledge that no matter what, she is loved.

One thing at a time

Driving two-thirds of my kids to preschool today, I was internally telling myself. "it's OK. You can do this.".

I was imagining telling the kids' teachers--"I'm having a bit of a psychotic break today."

My mind was racing with thoughts in all directions all at the same time. All I could think was "manic. this is mania. i'm having a manic episode. I can't slow down, yet I can't go fast enough. I have so many things to do, I have to get so many things done. I need to go, go, go, do, do, do. I can't slow down--there's no time to breathe."

I thought--I can't wait to write a post--get this all out. See if I can sort things out. Sit in one spot to write an entire post.

At group, we talk about doing one thing each day. Not a million grandiose things. One thing. Like getting the baby dressed. Like brushing our teeth. Like reading one page of a book or magazine. I need to focus on one thing, but I can't seem to zone in on just one thing when there are so many all vying for my attention.

I remember Dian explaining that family or friends would sit across the table from her and help her take just one bite of food. I wish I had someone directing me. Sitting me down. Helping me sort my muddled mind. Slowing me down. Helping me breathe, drink water, eat a meal from start to finish, a real meal--not just the crusts and leftovers off of my kids' plates.

I have one hour. Now that I sat down and wrote, I'm feeling a little bit more centered. There's laundry in the dryer. I need to make a grocery list, clean up the basement, unpack from the weekend, make up our bed, clean up toys, rake leaves, edit this post, tag and link it, bank deposit, grocery shop, figure out dinner, fix the tarp on the grill that keeps banging the side of the house every time the wind blows, and solve all the problems of the entire world--all within this one hour before I go pick the kids up from preschool.

I know I'm causing my own stress, but I haven't figured out how to take the monkey off my own back--I only know how to keep putting it there.

30 ROCKs my world

30 has been an odd year for me. For some reason I've done things I've never done before or things that have never happened to me have happened all in this one year.

First time stung by a bee
First time using an airplane restroom
First time to Africa
First time wiring money
First time teaching a Sunday school class
First time felling a tree using ropes and an ax
First time I've written something every day (so far at www.lifeafterbaby.wordpress.com)
First time I've called a Senator's office--and I called 2!
First time to apply for a job I didn't get
First time to make a princess birthday cake all by myself
First time taking a child to the ER
First time to run a generator (haven't done it yet--but it's scheduled for next week)


I still have never used an ipod yet, though.

Rustling leaves

This might be one of your last chances to listen to the leaves rustling in the wind. The corduroy cold it starting to settle in and there’s talk of snow whispering in my ears.

Enjoy the last few vestiges of fall while you can. Breathe deeply of the cool, refreshing air. Gulp in lungfulls of its freshness, for the time to go inside and hunker down deep for winter is coming soon. (thanks to Dan for this great fall photo)

Mean mommy

I'm so bummed! Dan didn't upload the photo I wanted to use in this post.

Anyway--he captured a great shot of me with my hands held out cupped and one of the kids dropping in all the "banned" candies from their piles. Banned list includes:
~ Gum
~ Hard Candy
~ Caramel squares
~ Atomic Fireballs
~ Anything larger than "snack size"
~ Laffy Taffy
~ Airheads
~ Bit O Honey
~ Mary Jane
~ Gummy fangs
~ Satanic tattoos (I KNOW--aren't I so totally closed-mided?)
~ Any lollies larger than a Dum-Dum

Some went to church with Dan, some went in the trash, and some went up in the "adult stash" of candy. Hey--you gotta do what you gotta do.

I just love that my kids have not asked for a single piece of candy. Halloween is so done and past for them. They are great kids. What Elli? Yes, you can have another Organic baby carrot. Hang on, Liam, I'm getting you another stalk of celery. Addi, it's OK, mommy can get more pesticide-free broccoli. What full-size pack of Kit-Kats? I'll take care of you later...